Can Breaking Up Strengthen A Relationship?

The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast

Yesterday I did a Facebook Live in my private group and someone asked an interesting question.

Is it possible that a breakup can actually strengthen a relationship?

Here’s the truth,

Yes, a breakup can actually be a good thing but only if the people involved in it take the time to address the issues that caused the breakup in the first place.

With this particular discussion I’d like to go from the top to the bottom.

1. Starting with showing you why most couples that get back together fail to stay together
2. Ending with situations where couples who get back together actually stay together.

What separates the two?

Well, that’s what we are here to find out.

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What Usually Happens When A Couple Breaks Up And Gets Back Together

Here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery we’ve been blessed with our fair share of success stories. One of the things I’ve been very vocal with is the fact that only about half of the people I interview who got their exes back actually stayed with that ex. It’s a lot like the divorce statistic.

You know, I’m sure you’ve heard someone at one time or another spout off the fact that half of all marriages end in divorce.

Well, the same actually applies to getting back together with exes.

But why?

Well, I think the easy answer is that one or both parties make the same mistakes they did in the first go around.

But one of the trends I’ve noticed that almost no one talks about is that sometimes your ex has a misunderstanding of what love is.

I’ve been very repetitive about pointing out my “relationship death wheel.”

The idea is to show you the lifecycle of a relationship from an avoidant perspective.

I highlight avoidant exes because most of the people I have surveyed believe that their ex is avoidant.

And one trend I’ve noticed is that avoidants have a misunderstanding of love.

Look at the death wheel graphic above.

There are eight main stages to it.

1. The dumper wants someone to love them
2. They find you and believe their troubles are over
3. They notice some worrying things
4. This causes them to think of leaving
5. They actually leave
6. They are happy they left
7. They start to feel lonely
8. They wonder why this always happens to them

But really the part that interests us for this discussion is stages one and two.

Your ex yearns for someone to love them and then they find you and think their troubles are over.

This is also known in layman’s terms as “the honeymoon period.”

And without realizing it the avoidant is setting themselves up for failure. They start to expect that how they feel in the honeymoon period is how they’re supposed to feel in every relationship.

This is what “being in love” feels like.

But that’s the thing about the honeymoon period. It doesn’t last forever. Inevitably how they feel is going to level out. Now, where most people recognize that, the avoidant doesn’t. They convince themselves that they are falling out of love with you.

So, they break up with you.

And they go hunting for that next “honeymoon hit.”

And on and on they go.

I won’t say it’s the most common outcome but I’ve seen it enough to know that it exists.

So, the question now becomes how do you stop the vicious cycle?

How do you make this breakup a strength?

Beating The Odds And Strengthening Your Relationship

I was curious to see what some of my peers (other websites) were saying about this.

As you’d expect, you get the typical answers.

• It gives you time to get back in touch with the real “you.”
• You can fix mistakes you made
• Take it as an opportunity to grow
• Imagine the relationship you want

I won’t call these shallow answers but what I think they lack is substance and that’s the problem with today’s age of online advice. When I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery way back in 2012 I used to write these epically long articles of 5,000 to 10,000 words.

I went deep. Really got to the substance of the point.

And yes, I believe the website was better off for it. However, maybe starting in 2016 there was a shift online. Google started to give preference to shorter, more to the point articles. I mean, it’s even gotten to the point that you don’t even need to click on a website anymore to answer your question.

Seriously, I just typed in, “can breaking up strengthen your relationship” in my phone and this is what I got,

But something as complicated as this can’t be answered in a snippet.

You have to go deeper to find the substance of what actually works.

And that substance is going to be found in the concept of secure attachment gravity.

Secure Attachment Gravity Is How You Strengthen Your Relationship

I’ve definitely talked about this in previous articles before so I apologize if you are already familiar with what I’m about to say. However, if you are new to this website then you are in for a treat.

First, a few statistics.

Our average client considers themselves to be on the anxious spectrum,

While our average clients ex tends to veer more towards the avoidant spectrum side of things,

So, generally the average pairing that we are dealing with is,

Avoidant (ex) + Anxious (client)

If you aren’t familiar with how these attachment styles typically operate then allow me to briefly summarize.

There are really only two types of attachment styles,

1. Secure Ones
2. Insecure Ones

The end goal for everyone from an attachment perspective is to obtain a secure attachment style.

Of course, most of the people that we help on a day to day basis have one of three insecure attachment styles,

1. Avoidant Attachment Style = Someone who values independence
2. Anxious Attachment Style = Someone who is terrified of being abandoned
3. Fearful Attachment Style = Someone who has both anxious and avoidant core wounds

Now, perhaps the biggest advantage of immersing yourself into attachment theory is the simple fact that your attachment style is fluid. This means that it can change based on circumstances or company.

Literally every person you interact with can have an impact on your attachment style or you on theirs.

For example, let’s say that you start off with a completely secure attachment but you are best friends with an anxious attachment. Simply by being in their orbit that anxious attachment can start to rub off on you and your securely attached personality can begin to become infected with anxious tendencies.

Ah, but the opposite is also true.

Your anxious best friend, being around someone who has a secure attachment can learn what secure behavior looks like and their attachment style can be changed.

What this means is that every relationship in your life is an interesting chemistry experiment.

This is especially true in romantic relationships.

But doesn’t it take two to tango?

Doesn’t your ex also have to put forth an effort to become more secure.

Technically yes but it goes back to that old adage of only focusing on what you can control which in most of my clients’ cases means they need to work on turning their anxious tendencies into more secure ones.

And this is that substance I was talking about at the beginning of this section.

If you want to have a stronger relationship the next time around then you need to push all your chips in on the secure attachment gravity factor.

What Is Secure Attachment Gravity?

It’s my fancy way of saying that as long as you work in the time away on achieving a more secure mindset then you give yourself the best chance of having that rub off on your ex when you get back together.

But how does one become more secure?

That’s the challenge isn’t it?

It’s definitely not an overnight process but I think it starts with taking a look at who you have surrounded yourself with.

Remember, our attachment styles are shaped and formed by others. So, if we have that friend whose always anxious or always avoidant and doesn’t seem to add too much to your life then it may be time to consider cutting ties.

That’s one part of it. Taking stock of your circle.

The other part of it is where I personally disagree with a lot of the psychologists and therapists out there.

In fact, I once had a therapist tell me in passing,

The way you have it conceptualized (attachment styles) is inaccurate. Attachment styles are formed in relationships, maintained in relationships and reformed in relationships.

I disagree. I think we have more control over our attachment styles than we think and it all starts with our behavior.

Anxious individuals tend to engage in anxious behaviors.

• Obsessing about exes
• Calling them
• Spying on their social media accounts
• Picking apart every interaction they are having on said social media account

The point is that these behaviors indulge the anxious core wound.

Think of how a secure person will act after a breakup.

• They grieve, sure
• But they don’t linger
• They have enough internal confidence that things will work out for them
• They start focusing their time on endeavors that actually make them happy

So, in my mind the best thing you can do for yourself is to start working on rewiring your priorities after the breakup.

If you take one thing from this article it should be this, you need to live for more than just your ex.

That’s the thing that people who get their exes back never seem to do. They revolve their entire lives around getting this person back and forget that the very thing that’ll strengthen their relationship with that person is if that person feels like they are dating an actual person, not a fan.

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