I Don't Wanna!!!

Seriouslyourself

Hi there, come on in. This is Seriously Yourself, the podcast and I'm Ingrid Helander.
Hi there, come on in. This is gonna sound a little strange maybe, but I'm hoping I've caught you at a bad time. I really am. I'm hoping I caught you at a time when you're like ughh, because that's what I'm talking about today. The other morning I woke up and I had a list of things, you know, things like fun, things really like I'm going here, I'm doing this, I'm planning this trip that I'm doing or I've got some projects to work on. And loud and clear in my head, I hear, "I don't want to, I don't wanna" do you ever have that part? "I don't wanna" and it kind of got louder and more, I would say almost childish, right? Like "I don't wanna". And I'm thinking, wow, my first reaction is boy, I'm in trouble today. I really don't want to do things. And then I took a breath and I practice what I preach. And I stopped for a second and I'm like who's that? Who the heck is this voice? It sounds oddly young and really negative and frustrated. I don't want to. And so I started getting curious in that moment like what don't you want to? And it's like, "I don't wanna be a certain way. I don't want to do things. I don't want to try. I don't want to care. I don't want to look a certain way. I don't want to look the way I do. I don't want to be my old self. I don't want to be something new. I don't wanna", whoa, that'll leave you feeling stuck. That'll leave you feeling really stuck. There's nowhere to go.
And later on the day, of course I didn't not want, I got up and I did my thing and later when I had some time I was able to meet with a good friend who also does this internal family systems work that I adore and this, I don't want to came up again and it's like, well let's, let's really get with this. Let's get curious about. I don't wanna, who's that? Oh, and I couldn't get it, you know, because of course inside the energy of idol wanna will block you. So it's really hard to get curious about because guess what? You don't wanna, right? So it's, it's the same inside.
So the guy I was working with was so wonderful and he said, well what do you want? What do you want? Mm hmm. And I just was able to breathe into that, wow, what do I want? And I imagined in the same kind of childlike way, one of those cartoony, almost white sand islands that's, you know, maybe a few yards. I don't even think it be miles, maybe a couple city blocks across and wide, a little circle in the ocean. Blue water and on that island is a palm tree and one nice lounging chair and some shells and that's about all and it's not too hot. And it's not too cool. Oh and that was what I wanted. And he said, well, you know, why don't you go there? Okay, sure. I'll go there. I do wanna. So in my minds eye was able to imagine going there but I couldn't rest. I couldn't rest. I couldn't something inside my chest felt all tight. Ahhh and frustrated like god darn it. I'm in my imagination in the most perfect place I can imagine right now. And he said to me, what would make it a little better? What would you like to be there? I don't know. I don't know. I said I can't think of anything. Nothing was coming. And then suddenly it was like a book. I would love a book. Mm hmm. So I had a book I got to just sit and read a little more shades. So it didn't bother my eyes. That was nice. And yet still I don't want to.
And then I noticed this feeling of like the idea of going any deeper below that surface. Mm hmm. Imagination play in my mind was kind of scaring me. I didn't want to go any deeper. Felt like it might be too much. And I was able to notice that part of that fear was fear of disappointment. Which is a big one for me. I don't know if you can um relate to that. But I have parts of me that are deeply fearful of being disappointed, which sometimes I have parts that criticize that because of course we're going to be disappointed, right? But at any rate, that fear was present with me on my little island there it was and actually, you know, I asked it if it would just kind of you know, take a little dinghy out to somewhere else and it did, but left behind this little sensation of trying, like I'm trying all the time and it was pretty clear the sensation that this was the part that didn't want to, this part of me that had been trying and trying and trying and trying to do to be. And I imagine that many, many, many of us have parts of us inside that you know are are really great at managing our lives right? We have these aspects of our ourselves that keep us going, keep the world going, behave in responsible ways, especially those and I really think through the last several years for me and I think for many of us these parts that have been trying to do things well, to do things right, to get clear to understand, to help, to be responsible, to stay well so on and so on, to work to parent to communicate, to stay in engagement with people we love have been trying like crazy so much, so often so hard, so if you hear yourself saying, I don't wanna right think of the sounds you make, we didn't wanna write, I don't want to even if it's pleasant stuff, I don't wanna or maybe yours is similar but different find it and just notice do you have parts of you that have been really trying over time?
I'll tell you what I found when I found mine. I found first of all invited with the help of my friend, I invited this part to join me in another lounge chair on my little island. Inside my imagination. And she did. But when I turned to see how she was doing, she wasn't there. She had moved instantaneously from that other lounge chair, directly curled up in my arms, sound asleep and she was about two years old. Now if you've never experienced your internal world this way, I know it sounds crazy. I know it sounds weird. It does to me too, but when you've experienced it, you know exactly what I'm talking about. And I was sort of taken aback by this tiny little me lying there and it brought me to tears because I realized some parts of me have been trying my whole life. They are the parts that tried to keep up with older siblings. They are the parts that tried to carry being the youngest in the family. There are the parts that carried expectations from people that loved and cared about me. There are the parts that try to live up to the naturally responsible person that I am and they're tired And this little one rested in my arms gave me the most amazing sense of peace and contentment and rest that I've had in a very long time. I
don't know that you will have a similar experience. You'll have your own. But I really want to encourage you when you catch the voice of "I don't want to, I don't care, I don't like it. I don't feel like it", take a moment, take a breath and just notice what it's like to be with those parts of you. That little one needed me. She needed to know that she doesn't have to keep trying. I got this. She's okay. And when she calms, I calm, what do you not want to do lately? Have a listen inside. There's probably a good reason for it. Thanks for joining me. If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to drop them. You can go to my instagram or my web page Ingrid y highlander LM FT dot com. You can join my seriously yourself community where you'll have lots more ideas. You can comment and give me a review where you get your podcast. Thanks so much for being here. I hope that you and your I don't want to parts have a great week. I'll talk with you soon. Bye bye.
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And thanks to those who make Seriouslyourself special: our wonderful music is Midsummer from the album Flood by the fabulous Joel Helander. Seriouslyourself is produced by Particulate Media, K.O. Myers, Executive Producer. The ideas and inspirations come from beautiful humans like you, that I feel lucky to know. And I'm Ingrid Helander. Take good care of yourself. See you next time.