151: Remarriage Rehab - Part 3 New Behaviors

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer welcomes you to this 3 part series on renovating your remarriage. In part 1, we discuss how to be more aware of past issues that might be driving our reactions. In part 2, we discuss how our thought processes, distortions, and biases play a role in our connection. In part 3 we will discuss implementing new behaviors to complete the renovation. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

• Getting married again is not easy. In fact I would say it is probably much more difficult to sustain a good marriage the next time around than it was the first time. We often think we have learned from our mistakes and will do better the next time, but that is more often not the case.
• You may be even in another marriage that feels like it is heading in the wrong direction or even getting close to divorce. Again you are not alone and this is an extremely common place to be.
• In this 3 part series, that we are calling Remarriage Rehab we are going to talk through steps to help get your remarriage not only back on track but pushed to a much healthier place than you ever thought it could go.
• Now a couple of thoughts before we jump in today’s session. It was be highly beneficial if both you and your partner listened to these episodes together because you will get to your destination if you both are paddling together. Of course marriages and relationship can change with just one person paddling, but it can be a bit of a slower process.
• Secondly, if you are dealing any kind of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse then your safety of course trumps any of what we are going to talk about in this series. So if that is the case, I want you to address any safety issues first but getting help from the appropriate authorities first.
• All this being said, if your safety is assured then hopefully what we discuss over the next 3 sessions will be simple yet extremely powerful in moving you remarriage to a more healthy place.
• In Remarriage Rehab Part 3, we will talk today about installing some new behaviors. Since we have discussed disconnecting from our past in Part 1 and changing cognitive distortions in Part 2, we are now ready to do something different.
• You hear me talk all the time that thoughts and emotions often drive behaviors. So we cannot get to the behaviors without discussing the thoughts and emotions that underlie them first and we have done that through this series.
• And when we say behaviors, I am really taking about new and different actions. I say at the end of every episode that marriage is not something you have, it’s something you do. And so that means we can’t just become complacent, we have to things in order for our marriage to grow.
• Think of your marriage like a garden that blooms beautiful flowers or vegetables. There are all sorts of things that must be done to get you that harvest.
• • Find the right location for the garden. Is shade, sun, or a combination?
  • Research when is the best time to plant and when is the best time to harvest.
  • How deep and how far apart should the plants be from each other.
  • What kind and how much fertilizer is needed.
  • How much watering and when is the best time, morning, afternoon, evening, or overnight
  • How often should the soil be manipulated.
  • How should weeding happen.
• So you get the idea that A LOT needs to happen to get the garden to the right place of harvesting that amazing bumper crop. The same for a marriage, in that you not only need to come to grips with your past, change your thinking, and also create new habits.
• I would like to recommend a couple of good books to do just that. One is called The Love Dare and the other is called The Respect Dare. Not to be too gender biased, but it is often said that women usually respond to acts of love and men respond to the acts showing respect. The link for both books is noted below in the Resource section.
• The premise of both books is that we should be doing small but consistent positive actions toward our spouse with one key. That key is that we should be doing them even we were are getting nothing in return. The general concensus is that you must likely will get something positive in return for these small consistent actions you are taking but it could take awhile.
• So let’s talk about 3 examples that you could implement today from each of these books:

• From the Love Dare:

• “Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only.”
• “Think of a specific way you’d like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.”
• “Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your home. Think of one area where your spouse has told you you’re expecting too much, and tell them you’re sorry for being so hard on them about it. Promise them you’ll seek to understand, and assure them of your unconditional love.”

• From The Respect Dare:

• • “Today I will refrain from making sure my husband knows how to do things my way.”
  • “Today I will begin conversations with silence and not immediately reacting to show that I am willing to move toward a response versus a reaction.”
  • “Today I will constantly work to rephrase something from negative to a positive. For example instead of saying, “thanks for not yelling at me,” you could say “thanks for being so gentle in your responses.”
• These are just a few examples of how you can work to change your actions or behaviors to start to change your remarriage.
• You might even have some of your own that work well. I always says do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.

Resources:

• Free Shared Parenting Checklist
• The Remarried Life Facebook Group
• The Love Dare
• The Respect Dare

Thanks For Listening!

• With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.
• If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.
• The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support. Please join today! ​

As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.