Men's hidden pain part 2: Living a trauma bond

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Trauma bonds in men, Part 2
In this episode, I want to delve deeper into the topic of men and the core issue of shame, which is particularly high in those who have experienced trauma or abuse. Men often struggle to express these experiences, especially in heterosexual relationships, due to societal expectations and the belief that their value is based on what they provide.

Shame is a pervasive emotion that can be extremely challenging to navigate because it makes individuals feel fundamentally flawed. This emotion often leads to depression, anxiety, and guilt, creating a vortex of painful feelings. Men face difficulty in dealing with shame because they're unsure of how to navigate it and are bombarded with mixed messages from society.

Society has evolved to focus on equality in relationships, challenging traditional gender roles. Men are often valued based on their roles, what they provide, and their characteristics. While it's important to strive to be the best version of oneself, this emphasis on external factors coupled with shame makes it hard for men to stand up against mistreatment.

Childhood experiences further reinforce this shame, as boys are often punished for pushing boundaries. They learn that expressing themselves may lead to more punishment, so they hide their true selves and conform to others' expectations.

Shame responses can manifest as withdrawal, self-attack, avoidance, or attacking others. Men who have carried shame for extended periods may resort to attacking behaviors to cope with their own feelings of worthlessness.

To address these issues, it's crucial to distinguish between what belongs to you and what belongs to the other person in the relationship. You can't change someone else, but you can work on your own self-worth and boundaries. Taking calculated risks by opening the door to your emotions and experiences can help gauge whether the relationship is worth pursuing.

Ultimately, understanding the complexity of shame and its impact on men is essential for both personal growth and building healthier relationships.

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LinkedIn Dr Sarah Alsawy-Davies
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