Sorry, not Sorry with Victoria McLean

The Connected Leadership Podcast

In this episode of the Connected Leadership podcast, Andy Lopata welcomes Victoria McLean, CEO of City CV and Hanover Talent Solutions. Victoria transformed recruitment strategy at Goldman Sachs and Merrill Lynch. She founded City CV in 2009, growing it into an international business. She serves on multiple boards, including Hanover Group and Rainbow Trust, and holds memberships in professional organisations like the Institute of Directors. Andy and Victoria discuss the importance of refraining from excessive apologies and the strategic power of saying "no."

Victoria begins by highlighting the ubiquitous nature of apologies in everyday life, pointing out how people often apologise for things they haven't done wrong. She emphasises that over-apologising can damage our confidence and lead to a negative feedback loop where we feel increasingly inadequate.

Andy questions whether the over-apologetic tendencies of Brits are a cultural trait. Victoria confirms this, citing statistics that show a significantly higher percentage of Brits apologising for minor inconveniences compared to Americans. She also points out a gender difference, suggesting that women are more likely to apologise than men, perhaps stemming from traditional upbringing and societal expectations.

The conversation then delves into the impact of upbringing and trauma on our tendency to over-apologise. Victoria suggests that traumatic experiences might make individuals more sensitive to relationships going wrong and, therefore, more prone to apologising.

Andy challenges the potential for over-apologising to become a vicious cycle, reinforcing feelings of inadequacy. Victoria agrees, emphasising that breaking this cycle is crucial for personal growth and confidence.

Shifting gears, Andy asks how to recognise and break the habit of saying "yes" to everything. Victoria argues that strategically saying "no" allows us to focus on our priorities and say "yes" to the things that truly matter.

Victoria also emphasises the importance of saying "no" to protect our mental and emotional well-being, suggesting that overextending ourselves can damage our relationships and our ability to perform at our best.

Andy asks how to navigate saying "no" without damaging relationships. Victoria recommends a combination of clear communication and boundaries, ensuring that we're consistent in our actions. She advises against feeling compelled to soften our language or make unnecessary apologies when declining requests.

Victoria shares her insights on how saying "no" and having a more thoughtful approach to apologies can positively impact career development and transitions. She introduces the "Goldilocks dilemma," where individuals who are too accommodating or too assertive might struggle to advance in their careers.

Finally, Andy seeks advice on how to change these habits, especially for those who have been over-apologising or saying "yes" for years. Victoria encourages self-reflection, practicing saying "no" assertively and replacing apologies with expressions of gratitude.

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