Why You're So Bad at Giving and Receiving Compliments (And How to Fix That)

The Art of Manliness

Over a decade ago, I remember reading a story that stuck with me. I think it was connected to the famous Harvard Study on Adult Development that studied a group of men across their lifetimes, but I can no longer find the reference. A much-beloved doctor, upon his retirement, was given a notebook filled with letters of praise and appreciation from his patients. After he received it, he put it up in his attic, and never opened it or read the letters.

I've often thought of this story since I first heard it, wondering about what motivated the doctor's behavior, and the larger question of why praise is typically welcomed and makes us feel good, but can also make people feel uncomfortable or embarrassed.

In today's episode, I take a stab at answering this question with Christopher Littlefield, a speaker and consultant who specializes in employee appreciation. But first, we talk about the power of recognition, why we can be so stingy in giving compliments, how compliments can go wrong, and how we can offer them more effectively. We then turn to why getting compliments can make you cringe, how people deflect them and how this deflection affects relationships, and how to get better at receiving compliments graciously.

Resources Related to the Podcast

• AoM Article:Why and How to Offer More Compliments
• AoM Article: How to Accept a Compliment With Class
• AoM Article: How to Avoid Giving a Backhanded Compliment
• Sunday Firesides: Compliment Deflection Is Gift Denial
• Sunday Firesides: Give Them the Cream
• HBR Article: Do Compliments Make You Cringe? Here’s Why by Christopher Littlefield

Connect With Christopher Littlefield

• Beyond Thank You website
• Chris on YouTube
• Chris on LinkedIn