Episode 25 - Part 4: Self esteem: May your life be as awesome as it appears on social media

Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life

Episode 25 - Part 4: Self esteem: May your life be as awesome as it appears on social media

Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License

https://www.excelatlife.com/articles/selfesteem/index.htm

The World Health Organization (WHO) in a worldwide research reports that more deaths are caused by suicide every year than homicide or war. http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Abrams1.html

A survey carried out by Yong Dai, Ph.D., Rebecca F. Nolan, Ph.D., and Qing Zeng, Ph.D. revealed that adolescents who attended church or other religious institutions are more likely to have a higher self esteem than their peers who have no religious affiliation. It suggests that religious institutions play a part in teaching people how to have a positive self esteem and have a healthy view of themselves.

- Don't Evaluate Yourself Based on Others.

A common problem for people with low self-esteem is they evaluate themselves based upon how others react to them. Unfortunately, for several reasons this can frequently lead to a worsening of self-esteem or a negative self-concept:

1. You don't know what others are thinking. You are only observing their behavior which may or may not be a reaction to you.

2. Your interpretations may be influenced by past events. Many times without even being aware of it we react to others because of something that happened to us in the past.

3. Many people have a negative reaction for reasons other than you. Other people, too, have their own histories that cause them to react in certain ways.

4. Others can't truly know you which means their judgments aren't accurate evaluations. You are the only one who fully understands everything about yourself—all your experiences, your interpretations, your intentions, your desires.

"You cannot consistently perform in a manner which is inconsistent with the way you see yourself" - Zig Ziglar

- Focus on Other People (or things) Often, people with low self-esteem are focused on themselves. They are worried about what others might think of them. They are evaluating themselves based upon others' reactions to them. They are apologizing for themselves when they haven't done anything wrong. They may even be critical of others for not showing interest or concern about them. All of these concerns, however, mean that they are inside of their head and focused on themselves. And usually, most of this self- focus is negative.

- Be Direct. As previously mentioned in other steps many people who lack self-esteem are afraid of being rejected. Due to this fear they make their comments and their requests less direct. In which case people are less likely to be responsive. As such, being indirect can become a vicious cycle. People don't understand or hear your requests, comments, or opinions and are not responsive to you. As a result, you may feel rejected and become even more withdrawn and less direct.

Indirect/direct Sure, being direct can lead to more confrontation or clear rejection of your request or ideas, but at least you know where you stand and it is not based upon irrational speculation. Also, consider that people are not always be in agreement--it is not a rejection of you just because someone disagrees or refuses a request. Recognize it is okay because it is not necessarily about you.

More importantly, directness is likely to lead to increased acceptance and receptiveness. People are more clear about what you want or think and are more likely to react than to ignore you. Be direct about what you want or what you think. People are generally more responsive to directness.

"Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the face." - Helen Keller

- Internalize Positive Responses.

Internalizing the positive responses you get from others is quite possibly the most important of these twenty steps to better self-esteem. To internalize means to make attitudes, opinions, or behaviors part of how you automatically think of yourself.

"The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself" - Bill Gates

- Accept Failure. Many people with low self-esteem view failure as catastrophic. As such, they feel the need to avoid failure at all costs. Unfortunately, attempts to avoid failure often prevent success because avoiding failure frequently means not attempting something that is challenging. Usually, this catastrophic view of failure is due to several reasons: over-identifying failure, globalizing failure and personalizing failure.

"If you care what other people think, you will always be their prisoner" - Lao Tzu

- Visualize Success.

Saying “visualize success” sounds somewhat cliché given all the motivational gurus who have hijacked this term to mean “if you believe it, and can see it, you will be successful.” However, success is more complex than that and cognitive therapy is about being realistic, not about being delusively positive.

- Mentally Rehearse. Once you have developed specific goals through visualizing success and how to achieve it, the next step is to rehearse those goals. This is the step that many people miss. They believe that just having a goal and a plan is good enough. But often, it is not.

"Self esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves" - Nathaniel Branden

- Act with Confidence. Many people view confidence from the wrong direction. They believe “When I have self-esteem, I will act with confidence.” Yet, confidence is a behavior more than a feeling. And behaviors can be produced even when you don't experience the emotion. For instance, have you ever been in an argument with someone, you're feeling intense anger, you receive a phone call, and with a smile and brightness in your voice, you answer, “Hi! It's great to hear from you!”

"Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment" - Thomas Carlyle