How to Prevent Divorce (3 Reasons I Regret Mine) | Ep. #27

Be version 2.0 of yourself – Personal development and self-help tips

I destroyed my marriage when I was 31.

I thought living alone would make me happier.

But I found I was wrong.

Here are lessons learned to show you how to prevent divorce.

Reason 1: The problem is usually me My divorce story

When I got a divorce, we had been together with my wife for 11 years.

We were financially stable.

We had a great son and she was a good mother.

We had had a lot of great experiences together.

And still, I felt miserable because I wasn’t getting enough out of the relationship.

For example, I wanted us to grow together but she didn’t care about personal development as I did.

Unjustified perfectionism

When it comes to our spouses, we are perfectionists and expect them not to have any flaws.

How realistic is that?

It’s like they are a huge beautiful world but we choose to focus on one piece of dirt and miss all the beauty that’s out there.

There’s always going to be something not to like about our spouse.

It was my problem really

Stephen Covey famously said:

“If you think that the problem is out there, that very thought is the problem.”

The real problem was my scarcity mindset.

I took what was good about my wife for granted and focused on one thing I didn’t like.

Unconditional love

Instead of blaming my wife for making me unhappy, I should’ve changed myself.

Jim Rohn said it best:

“For things to change, you have to change.”

I needed to accept her as she was.

That’s how you stop fighting over your “problems.”

If you get a divorce, you will carry the problem—which is really yourself—right into the next relationship.

And it will likely blow up just like this one.

Reason 2: Sunk costs

See, after 11 years together, there were a lot of sunk costs.

Even if it wasn’t perfect, our family was a system that took time and energy to build.

And destroying that system meant all that would go to waste.

How will our son feel?

That’s a huge trauma to our son’s that can lead to developing mental issues.

How do I find a new partner?

I thought it would be easy to find someone better than my wife.

But that’s not the case.

Now that I’m older, I’m picky.

And I don’t meet enough new people which means fewer opportunities to meet a partner.

The next question is finances.

We had a small financial system running smoothly.

And suddenly, we had to break it, split everything between the two of us, and create our separate systems.

Reason 3: I wasn’t better off alone as I had thought I’d be

That’s what I had expected from my divorce but I realized I was wrong.

It felt okay to be alone and self-sufficient but I wasn’t living up to my full potential.

We all have a fundamental need for love and connection.

Tony Robbins said:

“When you get to the top of the success mountain by yourself, you might want to jump off.”

I love my experiences but sharing them with an intimate partner magnifies them.

My spouse was the perfect person for that.

We were a unit: we had our son to take care of, we lived together and shared everything, we had common goals.

We also had many memories.

Nurturing this kind of bond makes a difference in the quality of our life.

One actionable tip

If you want to save your marriage, do marriage counseling with a coach who will fight for your marriage.

If that’s not an option for you, here is something you can do on your own.

Create a list of things that you like about your spouse.

Focus on these positive things all the time, especially when you have a negative thought about him or her.

For example, I’d have focused on how responsible and organized my ex-wife was.

We used to run a business together and she was one of the best managers that I’ve ever known.

Focusing on the positive will rewire how you think about your spouse.

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HELP AND LINKS:

If you need relationship advice, I’m here to help. I’m a life coach in Toronto: book a free coaching session with me through https://romanmironov.com/

Counseling Before Marriage – A Sad Story To Watch Before Engagement (relationship advice video): https://romanmironov.com/blog/counseling-before-marriage/

My Child is Lazy and Unmotivated – 4 Principles to Bring Out the Best in Them | Ep. #21 (self-help podcast): https://romanmironov.com/blog/my-child-is-lazy-and-unmotivated/

I Am Miserable – How to Stop Feeling Miserable in 5 Minutes or Less (personal development article): https://romanmironov.com/blog/i-am-miserable/

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ABOUT ME:

I am a Robbins-Madanes-certified Strategic Interventionist, helping clients strengthen their relationships.

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LINKS I'VE MENTIONED:

Jim Rohn: https://www.jimrohn.com

Tony Robbins: https://www.tonyrobbins.com

Stephen Covey: https://www.franklincovey.com/the-7-habits.html

#RelationshipAdvice #CouplesTherapy #RelationshipCoach