The Fear of Transition

Woman

THE FEAR OF TRANSITION

Before I transitioned,
There were a couple of things,
That I admit I envisioned.
Thoughts that ran through my head,
And through my heart,
Often whilst I was driving or in bed,
And my soul,
Kept me up at night,
Not feeling whole,
Forcing heart and mind apart.

I will try and number them in a list,
It is not a big list,
So please persist,
And if you do feel,
The temptation to resist,
Then that is okay,
I am not going to insist.

Number one, will my family stop loving me? That is a big one to start with! Do you agree?
Number two, will the world hate me or accept me? Will it let me be?
Number three, will people I call friend, walk away from me? It is a possibility.
Number four, will anyone hold a friendly hand out to me? Or will I walk alone, just me, eternally?
Number five, why I am doing this? What is in it for you? And whats in it for me? I have new hopes for number three.
Number six, am I ill? have I lost my mind? Is there something the matter with me? Do I have the right to be free? Me?

I said it was a short list,
Those are the big hitters,
The ones that question my right to exist.
And those like, will I ever be kissed?
You know the ones,
The ones you whisper quietly when you think you are alone,
Or getting ready in a mirror,
When your entire cover is blown.
When you talk to your soul and it talks to you.

Number one was easy, they still love me, that one was silly really. But that’s just me, maybe I was lucky, for some people, this list stops here. And they live in a world of fear. Don’t hide away, there is always a friend near.
Number two, is a maybe, it is a weird and sometimes frightening world out there, but it also sometimes fabulous and miraculous and I sometimes wonder, what will today be?
Number three, most definitely. Enough said. Let’s do four instead.
Number four, I have had more hugs (pre-lockdown) than at any other time in my life. Every hug I get feeds my soul, makes me feel whole. For that alone, I would enroll.
Number five, because this is who I am, and I am not afraid anymore. I am being true to myself through every single pore. It never gets easier but now I trust my core, and I will endure, of that you can be very sure.
Number six, I think I am about the same as most other people, if this were a game. So I think that means I might be doing okay. At least today. I haven’t thought about throwing my life away, in the past few days, anyway.

So, transitioning went this way,
The sun shone, like it always does.
I felt it shined on me, briefly, but the Sun is busy,
It has a whole galaxy to illuminate,
And a billion stars in the sky to set free.

There was no massive spotlight, not on me,
Just trying to do my best,
Getting through each day,
No presentations, or congratulatory speeches,
No secret,
Just acceptance,
Of what life teaches.

(c) Jay Rose Ana