Blending your family takes time.

Tiny Pep Talks for Stepparents

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If you think your blended family will never feel like a "real" family, first of all you’re not alone. But secondly, don’t give up!

It’s officially autumn here in the northern hemisphere right now, the air is getting colder and the world is getting quieter as the birds head south and critters start hibernating.

Fall is not a time for planting new things, with one exception: bulbs, like tulips and irises. And it’s such a metaphor for blending a family, because you’re taking this dead-looking nubbly brown thing and sinking it down in the dirt right when your garden is looking its most pitiful — all the green of summer is gone and the fall colors haven't come in yet. You plant your bulb, then a month or so later, the first frost will come, followed by snow and the long deep freeze.

No gardener spends the winter glaring at where they planted that bulb like "Why isn't this thing a damn tulip yet?" They know the bulb needs time. They know that bulb doing its thing the only way a bulb knows how, and it’s gonna throw out green shoots and fancy flowers when the time is right. But that time is not right now.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

I know I’ve said this a million times throughout these pep talks, but I’m gonna say it again: Be patient. Have faith. Blending a family takes 5 to 7 years on average — ON AVERAGE — and 10+ in high-conflict situations.

So if you're a year or two in, or even like 4-5 years in and your family still isn't really gelling and you're feeling hopeless, I promise that’s super normal. Keep breathing. Remind yourself that not everyone in a stepfamily blends at the same pace, but that doesn’t mean you’ll never get there. Becoming a tulip takes time!

Something that would’ve been really helpful for me is understanding more about the process of blending. Like okay sure it takes 5 to 7 years, but what’s happening during those 5 to 7 years? If you feel the same way, you should go read this: ➡️ The 3 phases (& 7 stages) of blending your family 👀⠀⠀⠀⠀

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