See Them

Overflow with Craig Booker

Will opens with a story about his son, Liam.

He had asked his son to clean his room while he was working in his home office. After a few failed attempts to motivate his son, he tried to incentivize his ask by paying him $3 if he cleaned his room. If he failed to clean his room, his son would owe Will $3. The idea backfired when his son, in tears, brought in his whole piggy bank, begging him to take his money. His son, Liam, felt disconnected from his dad and needed time to reconnect.

Liam didn’t know how to express what he needed and Will acknowledged that he was slow in recognizing the need.

“To lead kids and teenagers, first you have to see them. When they feel seen, you win their heart. Seeing them requires us to look beyond how they behave on the outside to try and understand what they may be feeling on the inside.”

I would take this quote a step further to include adults. We all need to feel seen by those around us. We need others to try and understand what we are feeling on the inside.

Seeing Beyond the Behavior

Anytime a kid or adult faces despair, their behavior may not be what you expect. For someone facing despair, you might see irritability, moodiness, pulling away, or shutting down.

Will encourages readers to ask themselves, "Do I know where they are coming from?"

Will provides these examples:

• What may have happened earlier that day?

• What trust has been eroded from past disappointments?

• What kind of trauma have they experienced from the pain of poverty or a high-crime neighborhood?

• What social pressures might they be facing that we have no idea about?

• What kind of pain are they carrying from the daily reminders of political and social injustice?

• What shame might they be carrying from poor decisions or an abusive situation?

Depending on your relationship with the other person, you may know a lot, but realize that you don't know everything they face.

If you are a coach, small group leader, pastor, or caring adult, you often won't know what they are dealing with until you ask.

The questions above help us see beyond the behavior and empathize with the other person.

See What They Feel

"If you want to get in tune with your kids, you have to see past their behavior and understand what they are really feeling."

According to the book The Power of Showing Up, the best place to begin is to avoid shaming, labeling, or dismissing.

Let's talk through an example. In the book, Will Hutcherson provides a similar scenario.

Your daughter comes home from school and is upset. You learn that she has failed her math test. She throws her backpack down as she walks into the room and begins to cry.

As a parent, there are several ways you could respond to the situation. Your first inclination might be to shame, label, or dismiss.

Let's take a look:

Shaming: "You failed your test?! How could you do that? That was stupid!”

Labeling: "You know you failed your test because you are lazy. If you just worked harder and spent less time playing on your phone or that silly video game, you would have done better."

Dismissing: "No worries. There's no reason to be upset. It's just one test; you'll get it next time."

These responses might seem like the logical thing to say, but can hurt the person on the receiving end.

We often fail to realize that by going straight for the logical, we can unintentionally invalidate their emotions.

When a teen or adult is experiencing despair, jumping straight to logic can "worsen feelings of loneliness or beliefs that no one 'gets them.'"

Instead of shaming -> Show empathy:

“I know it's disappointing to fail a test. I get it. hate it When I fail, too!"

Instead of labeling -> Look deeper:

"I can see you care about your grades and especially this test. Tell me more about what's going on."

Instead of dismissing -> acknowledge their feelings:

"I am so sorry you failed your test. You must feel disappointed. Tell me more!"

If you want to help teens or adults with despair, it is imperative that you meet emotion with emotion. Likewise, you need to know when to meet logic with logic.

“If you feel the feeling with them, then you'll have the opportunity to lead them to a place of logical processing. And as you make efforts to see beyond the behavior, they feel seen. As they learn how to move from emotional processing to logical processing, feelings of despair will diminish.”

Think of this process as an emotional exhale.

We all get this way. We keep thoughts, feelings, and emotions to ourselves. We mistakenly believe we can handle it on our own. Instead of telling someone else, we stuff it down. When we help someone with logical processing, it is the equivalent of them emotionally exhaling. All of the thoughts and emotions come pouring out, and it releases all of that built-up energy.

If you ask a person experiencing despair how they feel, you will often be met with answers like, “I don’t know” or, “I feel numb.”

If you want to move the conversation forward, try asking this question.

Do you feel …

• Lonely?

• Hurt?

• Angry?

• Embarrassed?

• Ashamed?

• Alone?

• Afraid?

If they say all of the above, ask them to pick one and tell you more.

If you get nowhere, another great approach is to pull up a picture of the Feelings Wheel. Ask the person to pick an emotion and tell you more about it.

The goal here is to help them identify the emotions they are feeling and to get them talking about it. This will allow them to process their emotions and exhale all of that built-up energy. The more we practice this process with them, the more they feel seen. This will help them develop a stronger connection and lead them toward healing.

See Beyond Despair

There are times when we see what’s going on in someone’s life, acknowledge their emotions, and realize it could be developing into something more complex.

Knowing when to ask for help is an essential tool as a friend, parent, coach, mentor, or caring adult. If you suspect that what you are seeing in another person might be more, there is no shame in bringing in a therapist or counselor.

Listening to your instincts and asking for help is a strength, not a weakness. Doing what is best for the other person is what we are after here.

Despair vs. Depression

Keep in mind that as friends, mentors, coaches, or caring adults, our role in helping another person is not to diagnose. We leave that to the professionals. What I do hope to accomplish here is a basic understanding of the two terms.

Despair is what someone feels when they become hopeless and disconnected from their emotional state. When we become hopeless and disconnected from our emotional state, the two halves of the brain begin to separate. This dis-pairing process is called emotional detachment. When kids or adults feel seen, it helps the two parts of the brain come back together.

Chinwé does a fantastic job describing despair. Let’s take a look.

“Despair, like depression, can be temporarily debilitating.

Despair is a profound feeling of discouragement and negativism about most things, particularly the future.”

Those experiencing despair can feel pain, anguish, loss of hope, and loss of joy.

“However, despair differs from episodes of clinical depression in that your kid or teen can typically (but not always) complete daily tasks.”

Depression is complex.

There are many forms of depression, but

Situational Depression - “…a temporary condition that occurs when an individual has difficulty coping with or adjusting to a major life change, crisis, or event.”

Clinical Depression - “…a severe form of depression marked by persistent sadness, feelings of inadequacy, and a greatly diminished quality of life, among other things.” American Psychiatric Association

I think The natural question most people want to ask is, “What causes all of this?”

While I, too, want to know the reasoning behind it or what led to it, behavioral researchers still don’t have a clear answer.

Suicidal Thoughts

A few paragraphs or even a chapter is not enough space to address suicidal thoughts. According to the book, “…one common factor that everyone who faces suicidal thoughts feels is despair or a sense of hopelessness.” An important point they make is that depression alone does not lead to suicide. “Despair is the main cause of suicide.” The main point that the authors make is that no one should navigate suicide alone.

We should always take suicidal thoughts seriously.

Keep in mind that just because someone has despair or depression doesn’t mean they are suicidal. At the same time, we want to pay close attention and not be dismissive either.

Two questions we should ASK directly:

Are you having thoughts of dying or ending your life?

Are you thinking about hurting yourself?

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