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Childhood best friends, PataFria: a professional Dominatrix, mommy/grandma and overall jack of all trades, and Crystal: a die hard animal lover, mommy/wife, peacemaker and caregiver of MANY share hilariously dysfunctional stories from their personal lives. Navigating mental illness, familial chaos, awkward sexual experiences, views on current events, a little gossip, the dumpster fire of politics and so much more. “Nothing is off limits and everything is funny”
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Co-sleeping is amazing, a few cigs are good as a treat, the 90s had the best shoes and stockings are Crystal’s jam. Peez loves Jesus, women are magic, don’t be a mood killer and corporations are GREEDY. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow…
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Cults are fascinating, Carolyn’s chemical warfare, billionaires are scum and we’ve made some mistakes. Older kids are a different kind of stress, sometimes you just gotta explode, pigs contain human and nature provides everything we need. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://…
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Crystal had food poisoning and deleted our texts, Pat loves Home Depot and has been locked in with the DIYs. Playing 432hz at night might relax you OR terrorize your dreams, having kids later in life comes with a price. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellod…
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1970 was 30yrs ago, Pat started a new tattoo, Crystal is researching classified CIA docs and CEOs should be worried. Humans aren’t meant to be this busy, we miss a well loved bear, inspect your butthole and old people do not want technology. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https…
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It’s nice seeing family, salt might be causing migraines, Crystal was on a hunt for “Crisssssss” and we’re getting back in the gym. Experiences are better than toys for Xmas, Peez is thankful she’s beautiful, Grenandine is a lie and we want a rage room. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on Yo…
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Pat is your lesbian aunt that loves bowling, cigarettes are making a comeback, angry kids are not fun and angry cops are even worse. Everyone’s getting migraines, monitor your kid’s downloads, Facebook groups are a good time and basketball players are weirdly close. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Su…
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The universe gave us a Christmas blessing, American dental work pricing is shameful, increase your fiber and stay away from the Bad News Bears. Peez is subscribing to things, Pata Fria has a type, aliens are here and get your HD merch while you can! For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTub…
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The energy is off in the world, you can’t be an outlaw AND a bootlicker, follow criminal etiquette and you have to eat food. Merch orders are now open, pedis are great without the horny parts, roid rage is not fun and good men still exist, somewhere.. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouT…
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Doctors can be frustrating, Carolyn’s friends aren’t robots, don’t ignore your ailments and hang with us on discord! Don’t be mean to us, teen years are for making mistakes, Crystal’s cat wants in on the convo and merch is on the way! For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://yout…
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Unexpected expenses are so rude, exes need to stay away, men still don’t know how to act and RIP MIMI. Customer service has gone down the toilet, we don’t want new technology, older kids are the pricey ones and we love a good dessert. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://yout…
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So many birthdays, there’s guns at school, colonization never stopped and Crystal went thrifting with our patrons. Santana takes all the shine, back to back disgust, a little anal play might be fun and the exes always come back. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.co…
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Happy Anniversary HD!!! Don't tell people what you think of their body, praying for Hurricane Milton, and we love a good Freudian slip. Teenagers are not always fun, hold your ankles, Pata Fria has a feminist leg and Oktoberfest is cute. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://y…
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We’re sweating again, Billy had a pet raccoon, Pat’s vagina is causing serious problems and men shouldn’t work in gynecology. Is WW3 upon us, we’re not fighting to survive, Crystal is still talking to strangers and Peez wants long arms. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://yo…
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Marcellus Williams shouldn’t have died, deathbed confessions are common, skunks are REEKING havoc and the car problems continue. We’re all tired of gross men, Pata Fria is a vehicular genius, kids driving and humans functioning with exposed brain deserve recognition. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction S…
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We’re ALL in trouble, Pata Fria and Carolyn are sisters, cigarettes are Crystal’s love language and dentists are scamming. Everyone’s getting hacked, FB marketplace is addicting, Crystal hates babies and Pat wants to be poly again. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube…
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Carolyn has had enough of Crystal, Peez is making great choices, decorating is fun and Stinkers has been having a rough week. Our kids are never moving out, we enjoy being recognized, pay attention to new moles and there’s a video going around that will terrify everyone. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfuncti…
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We saw baby bobcats! don’t discuss dreams till after you eat, RIP Phil Donahue, don’t punish your statues and Pata Fria finally moved. Fully screen anyone around your kids, keep your episodes out of our DM’s, camping was a good time and Peez doesn’t bite her tongue. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Su…
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Happy Anniversary to Crystal and Mark!, T needs to leave Crystal alone, be careful who you’re doing favors for and Carolyn wants Jake. Pata Fria is trying new hair colors, Peez is growing up, stop finding creative uses for poop and grind your own meat. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on You…
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Pata Fria has a shoulder injury, Crystal can see the notes from her psych evaluation, avoid processed meats and pervs are hiding cameras. Someone sh*t near Pata Fria’s head, finally some great news, the garage sale is Sunday and cottage cheese is currently that girl. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction S…
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Pata Fria has different hair, Nyah’s party was a success, Peez is still being Peez and Crystal completed a very important appointment. Pata Fria has been manic and sweaty, Crystal ran into the awesome spouse of a listener, we’ve made some great friends as adults and strangers can be very dangerous. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon…
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We’ve had a rough week. Nyah’s cotillion is coming, Pata Fria played a crazy prank, Carolyn acted a fool in Target and there’s a special use for tape. Kamala is not a good person, justice for Sonya Massey, Pata Fria is collecting garbage and Crystal lives in a spider sanctuary. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellody…
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We had some beauty treatments, it’s Jimbo’s birthday, Stinkers might need surgery and our judicial system is a JOKE. Mosquitos are evil, what’s your communion snack, thrifting requires dedication and our presidential process is embarrassing. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https…
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We’re back!! Crystal is feeling better, the hot weather is annoying, Charlene got Carolyn for her retirement gift and books are being enjoyed. Crystal’s adhd screening is moving forward, another garage sale is happening, Pata Fria was able to see her daughter and men are still disgusting. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.…
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The presidential debate was embarrassing, it’s now illegal to be homeless, happy birthday Bunny and Peez allows Crystal to sing with her. Stevi is truly Crystal’s child, there was almost a tragic accident, exes were hoping Pata Fria got killed and the Bay Area is getting scary again. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/h…
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Happy Juneteenth! The episodes are climbing, Pata Fria has mom hair, is praying for a new house and starting sleeping pills. This is a fitness podcast, we love to see people caring for themselves, older kids are HARD and parenting worries never stop. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTu…
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Pata Fria was sick, Richard has the best awkward experience yet, Bay Area apartments are SAD and boy moms are not ok. Keep your kids out of your social media career, your job isn’t the family you think it is, spiders been on a roll lately and dark disgusting books are fun. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunc…
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We’re recovering from a busy week, stomach bugs are going around, Peez is very two-faced and Crystal has a new hangout. Angering update about Graham, we hate a fake girls girl, Mark did an amazing thing and Pata Fria might be moving to Vermont. !!FREE PALESTINE!! For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subsc…
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Crystal created an amazing protein drink, the workouts continue, we’re fond of mullets and Peez is not being nice. There are some cool discounts for low income people, an eventful first day of work, protect cheddar bay biscuits and beware of sneaky calories. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe …
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Hot weather is upon us, pollen is in full attack mode, Crystal got stretched and mental health is a constant struggle. Music in the 90s was filth, we are not confident surgeons, don’t answer your door for strangers and we love movies that are aesthetically pleasing. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Su…
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Don’t drink milk. Pistachio desserts are top tier. If you see someone stealing no you didn’t and dogs don’t wanna be cops. All of May is Pata Fria’s birthday, Crystal had an amazing dream, let’s restart our meds and always choose the bear. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https:/…
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Pata Fria got her lips fixed and did some spring cleaning, Crystal has been spending some time in the community, the universe has been on Richard’s ass and Crystal now has a handler. Carolyn has a creepy admirer, don't scam people, don’t lie on people don’t spend your kid’s money and let people protest in peace! FREE PALESTINE For bonus episodes an…
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We’re back! Crystal was sick, William almost died, Carolyn is getting security cameras and anxiety has been ruining Pata Fria’s plans. Middle school kids are bad, Crystal interrupted an adventure, don’t use liquid car fresheners and avoid self checkouts. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on Y…
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Carolyn and Pata Fria are out of control, it’s SA Awareness Month, we’re praying for a new reality show and if you exploit ppl you deserve to be a little scammed. FREE PALESTINE. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com…
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FREE PALESTINE and s/o any countries finally stepping in, check online for unclaimed money, treat yourself to a new bra, it’s hard to stay asleep and Pata Fria is exploring age play. Keep sending us your lie stories and write ins and please subscribe/comment/rate and review! For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfu…
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Cemeteries are shady, we’re clearing out some merch, mail is still being stolen and Crystal’s ghost is getting personal. We may have discovered the cutest job ever, there’s a movie to look forward to, respect people that wanna leave the party and unexpected blessings are always nice. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/h…
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Chemtrails are making us sick, be careful at CVS, the caregiver saga continues and Pata Fria’s exes are all in sync. Let’s try fake toenails, Crystal has new animals, population concerns are really about capitalism and BBL’s do not SMELL! For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://…
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Being a woman is fun, said no one ever. Crystal is experiencing life thru a new lens. Brain disorders really hinder being a human and Pata Fria overcame a fear. Crystal is still functioning as a death doula, women’s hygiene products are top tier, businesses are leaving, humanity is evaporating and you gotta be careful around dogs. For bonus episode…
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Phone service was down, stay away from minors, numbing spray works wonders and we’re full of worms. Girl Scouts are cancelled, celebrities are gross and be careful with plumping lip gloss! For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Ins…
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Happy Valentine’s Day, don’t eat bees, tweakers are so horny and drugs aren’t safe to experiment with anymore. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystalda…
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We had a little technical difficulty in the beginning but here we are. Testing new lighting, football fans are insane, perimenopause is upon us and being alone is pleasant. We love an ice cream sandwich family, Crystal might need to upgrade her cigs, 9-11 is still on speed dial and dress for the partner you want. For bonus episodes and early releas…
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Crystal had Covid, let’s read books, the rain won’t stop and getting old is not a good time. Prepare your kids for adulthood, women are pervs too, don’t ask people their body count and always be aware of your surroundings. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hel…
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Peez has new pets, resellers are still annoying, physical reactions to genocide are normal and Rick Owens is a good brand to support. Could your dad be a serial killer, the universe gave us each other, be careful at the hospital and decorate your house however makes you happy. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodys…
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Riding with Crystal is an adventure, Peez has been cussing a LOT, Pata Fria is having a really bad week and we’re all ingesting plastic. Do you ever plan for prison in your head, Crystal has a great new client, no that’s not a stuffed animal and a period ain’t stopping nothing but a sentence. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patr…
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We love a good garage sale but hate reseller price gouging. Crystal met an animal that doesn’t love her for once. Don’t raise your kids to be mean girls and don’t spend your money with terrible companies. CEASEFIRE NOW, END THE OCCUPATION, FREE PALESTINE. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on …
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Xmas is still going, we love a man’s man, women need to carry guns and we would actually be really bad cops. Pata Fria might start taking tattoo appts, our government is the worst of the worst, Crystal isn’t great at remembering names and just don’t eat Carolyn’s cooking. FREE PALESTINE, CEASEFIRE NOW, END THE OCCUPATION. Check out this week’s spon…
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The hangout was a success, making your partner a mixtape is true love, Crystal got to share some holiday spirit and Santa has been commodified. Bingo gets SERIOUS, practice proper pharmacy etiquette, Peez is loving cuss words and Pata Fria has been having some terrible dreams. Check out this week’s sponsor! BetterHelp Professional therapy from the …
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We’re back after a month. The flu is not playing fair, Crystal is hit with tragedy once again and losing Carl was a loss for so many. Who’s doing the hiring at Richmond Kaiser, Crystal is enjoying a new meat, Charlene had a favorite roadside hustler and don’t support soft white underbelly. For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysf…
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Crystal has on cute socks and Pata Fria is losing her voice. Migraines can ruin your life, toddlers are insane, coffee and books have been the vibe this week and boycotting works. Oil pulling has begun, men are not ok, Hollywood is full of pedos and abusers and this week we got some great write ins. For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com…
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Pata Fria’s whole house is sick, wear your shoes while you can because they crumble, beware of the Bernie’s and please keep spreading the truth about this genocide. Client flashbacks are fun, Crystal has been making more friends, the older you get the less clingy you are and exposure therapy really works. Check out this week’s sponsor! BetterHelp P…
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Mark is on a honeymoon with his mom, FREE PALESTINE, always acknowledge rock ‘n roll, STD’s have a dark origin, discovering new coffees is fun and diaper rash cream saves the day. Check out this week’s sponsor! BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% of…
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