164: Do You Support Each Other's Goals?

The Remarried Life

Summary Brian Mayer discusses individual goals that you each may have and whether or not you feel supported in those goals. Sometimes goals don’t align very well but if we can be respectful of each other in the process of discussing these goals then all the more better. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

• Everyone has goals in life and even if you say you don’t, you actually really do. If you say you want things to just remain as they are then that of course is actually a goal!
• So what is a goal? Well the dictionary defines a goal as “the end toward which effort is directed.” Sometimes we are consciously attempting to move toward something and sometimes we are directing effort with an end goal in mind.
• I remember when I ran my one and only marathon a few years ago. The goal was to run the marathon in under 4 hours. Most people said that really if it is your first marathon to simply focus on finishing and to not worry about the time. Well according to the app tracker I had on my smart phone, I beat 4 hours by 30 seconds! However, when the official time later came out it had me posted at 4 hours and 14 seconds. I was so close!
• Even though I did not meet that goal, it was so much fun and kept me on track to continue to do the training runs so that I could meet that goal of being under 4 hours.
• Another goal I set during my first marriage was to be married for the rest of my life and to not get divorced. I remember silently speaking this wish over my daughter. I grew up in a divorced home and so did not want this for my daughter.
• However, when it came to achieving this goal as I look back both my ex-wife and I were probably not pushing effort in this direction. There were probably times where we paddling in a different direction and then other times where we certainly not paddling at all.
• So that being said in that marriage, our goals were really not aligned properly. Looking back now that I have had 20+ years to think about it, I am actually at a place where I am happy that we got divorced. But this was not so for probably 5 years after it happened.
• Do you and you partner have goals that align? Here are some questions you can ask yourself and each other to determine just where you are with supporting each other’s goals.

• Do you know what you personal goals are?
• Does your partner even know what you personal goals are away from your relationship?
• Does your partner honor your personal goals? This doesn’t necessarily mean they agree but is he/she open to hearing them and attempting to support as best they can.
• Does your partner value your current accomplishments? This can be a key to knowing if future aspirations are?
• If you were to look out ahead into your old age, would you be able to say that your paths in life were on a similar path?
• What about important beliefs be it money, spirituality, parenting, we time versus me time? Where do you align on these?
• Are you currently coming toward each other on important issues, running parallel or even drifting further apart?

• After having asked and answered questions like this about yourself, where do you stand? Does the picture look pretty good or does it need some work?
• Lets talk about some things you can do to help you better talk about goals.

• Postpone your disagreement about a goal until you fully hear what is being said. Be curious and continue to draw out in your partner what is important and why it might be important? If you must, before having this conversation, you might want to even verbalize that it is possible you might disagree, but you are holding off on that.
• When hearing a goal, keep the mindset of being to open to helping see how this can be achieved. In other words come at this from a positive perspective to start. Sometimes when we immediately shoot our partner’s idea down, a slippery slope of less sharing and even sharing with others might start. I once worked with a couple where the female said that she could not share everything with her husband and that is what other friends and a therapist was for.
• Have a core values discussion? Determining what core values are important to each other like for example independence, freedom, security, stability or any of a number of other values might help each of you know what is important.
• What things does your goal have in common with my goals?
• What things about your goal might go against a goal of mine?
• What would the impact on your relationship be if a goal were met? Would it be positive to one or both of us, would it be positive toward the relationship?

• Obviously kind, caring, gentle, respectful communication is the key.
• Just remember that you aren’t giving a green light to a goal by simply being curious and attempting to understand, but by delaying your response you are giving an opportunity for a relationship to grow.

Resources:

• None Today

Thanks For Listening!

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As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.