162: Stop Trying to Change What Goes on in the Other House

The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer talks about how often we want our ex-spouse to change how they handle all sorts of issues from dinner time, to bedtimes, to homework versus play time, and on the list goes. However, we can often find this doesn’t really get us anywhere and just leaves us more and more frustrated. We will talk about this all too common issue in the life of divorced and blended families. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

• No doubt we all want what’s best for our kids. And we work to make that happen in our own homes. Whether it be to set appropriate bedtimes, fix nutritious meals, keep set homework versus times to have fun and play, chores for the kids to do, and a lot of other things.

• Your home might run like a well oiled machine and that’s great. But like most maybe it runs pretty well but has its snags. But ultimately, you believe you provide the best environment possible for your kids.

• But what do you do when you truly believe your ex-spouse does not run their household in the healthiest manner possible for your kids.

• No doubt for most of us, this issue has come up either with very small things or could be that you are just completely at odds over the entire way in which your spouse runs their home. So what do you do?

• Let’s talk today about some things to keep in mind when it comes to this difference of opinion on how the homes are managed.

• Are you disagreeing because of any unresolved anger over the relationship?

• Notice your triggers. Are the issues over something especially triggering for you? For example, let’s say growing up as a child you were overweight because of the types of food that were served in your home? If you start to notice a similar pattern in your ex-spouse house, this could cause an inflated response.

• Is anything illegal going on? Is there a situation where substance abuse or neglect because your ex-spouse is going out and leaving young children at home alone.

• In our new COVID world is there a difference in how the kids see others.

• Is it a few issues or a lot? Are we talking just a minor issue with bedtime or again is it everything that is at odds with how you might handle.

• What Should You Do?

• First dig within yourself to understand if there are truly issues or if your anger is getting the best of you.
• Have a gentle conversation with your ex-spouse. Point out these are differences and you wonder if the two of you might be able to come to consistency with the kids.
• As you are having these conversations, ultimately explain to your spouse that realize you both run things differently and understand if compromise cannot happen.
• Could you actually change the way you do something? Maybe you are the more rigid or loose with rules and maybe you could switch?
• Talk to the kids about the impact of the differences? Hopefully approaching it from the standpoint where everyone has a say can be helpful.
• Finally and actually this should be the first thing, but if something illegal is happening, then the police and the law should of course be brought in.

• Obviously a tough subject and there may not be a completely best or right answer, but hope that some of these things we have talked about can help you to navigate this sensitive topic.

Resources:

• None Today

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As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do. Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute! Take care.