157: Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?

The Remarried Life

Summary Brian Mayer talks about the possibilities of staying friends with your ex-spouse. And we don’t just mean friends, but can you actually be friends and stay in each other’s lives as friends. As with everything in the blended family universe this is not simple. After all there are current spouse’s feelings and what the kids may or may not thinking about this to consider. We hope you are inspired by today’s message. For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com

Today's Goodies

• As we know, marriages often times end with lots of anger and sadness that may dissolve into bitterness and resentment until hopeful those fade into some more neutral or even something more positive.
• For some people it never gets there and we all know of stories of people who are angered and bitter for years and even decades over a divorce.
• However, there are some of us who from the start have an amicable divorce and much more friendly feelings toward each other after the divorce.
• And for others it may start out as anger, but may eventually go into a more friendly feeling down the road.
• But what if it goes beyond just positive feelings into a friendship in which each of you actively desire to stay in each other’s lives by doing things together.
• As you can imagine while this can be such a great thing it is also fraught with complications as you might suspect.
• Now what exactly is a friend? Well the dictionary defines it as “a person whom one knows and with whom one had a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.”
• Now for me I take friends one step further in that it goes beyond feelings. In that friends usually do things together. So this means activities potentially away from or maybe even including your current family dynamic.
• Now of course there is nothing inherently wrong with maintaining a friendship with an ex-spouse where you remain in each other’s lives beyond simply discussing finances or exchanging the kids.
• There are some things to consider and that is what we will discuss now:
• • Are you maintaining a friendship from a place of guilt? Did you do something to cause the demise of the relationship and have trouble letting your partner completely hit bottom?
  • Are you maintaining a friendship in hopes that maybe something will reignite between the two of you?
  • Do you have an ulterior motive like you want to stay friends, because you think there is a better chance of getting child support or buy-in about other decisions?
  • If you and and your ex-spouse are not dating others, what might happen if you do start dating? Would you end the friendship or discuss with your new partner to help in the decision?
  • If you are dating someone else have you discussed the friendship you still have with your ex-spouse?
  • If you are planning to remarry, have you discussed this and how it will work moving forward. What does you future spouse think about this?
  • Let’s say you are currently remarried and the anger subsides toward your spouse and you both talk about a possible friendship. What does your current spouse think about this?
  • Have you talked to the kids especially if they are older? The younger they are as you know the harder it may be to completely understand and give feedback. So it is possible younger children may be confused especially if you are still doing things together as a family unit. This is not wrong for them to be exposed, but just something to think about.
  • If everyone is on board with this friendship, what are the boundaries? Can you both do things alone? Do the current partners/and or kids need to be involved?
  • Really think about how a friendship that has already started will affect everyone involved.
• As you can tell, a lot of this is about communication. Communicate, communicate, communicate! And slow down to really take everyone’s feelings and thoughts on the matter into consideration.

Resources:

• None

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