139: Does Dating Mean Sex? With Alexandra Harbushka

Life With Herpes

This is a long drawn out debate. Some people argue that when the birth control pills were brought out it completely changed the dating game. Because think about, before the pill, there were only condoms that would protect you from pregnancy… and who knows how effective they were. So, to avoid public humiliation from your family and the people around you about getting pregnant a lot of couples avoided sex. I’m not saying sex didn’t happen, of course, it did. What I’m arguing is it wasn’t as open and people were not as sexually active with multiple partners.

In the ’60s there was the sexual revolution which completely changed the way men and women dated. This was the beginning of the casual sex movement.

WHich brings us to where we are today in the hookup culture. Which is means exactly what it sounds like... engaging in sexual activity without an emotional relationship with their partner. In other words a one night stand or just a fuck buddy or a hookup buddy.

Alright, so if you’re wondering where I’m going with this I want to bring it back to herpes and telling your partner that you have herpes.

Telling you’re partner that you have herpes can be one of the most difficult things out there. It’s because we’re programmed to think that we did something wrong and that’s why we have herpes. Then when you go to tell the person you have a crush on that you have herpes you’re freaking out and hoping that he or she will accept you.

Because of the fear of rejection usually, 2 things happen. Either we don’t date or we just don’t tell our partners.

So here’s a question I want to ask you, do you think you need to have sex when you’re dating someone?

Let me tell you a little bit about my story. So after I was diagnosed and moved on from the guy I was dating I decided that I needed to go out and date. In my mind, I was like it’s a numbers game and I need to date everyone and meet everyone. What wasn’t on my mind was sleeping with everyone. I looked at it as just because I’m going out to coffee doesn’t mean that we’re hooking up. And just because we went to dinner it doesn’t mean that sex is involved and just because we went away for NYE it doesn’t mean that we’re having sex.

These were my personal beliefs and you might be thinking that I was a prude or that was wrong or I was taking advantage of a free meal or whatever. Herpes or not herpes, casual sex wasn’t my thing.

What I want you to look at is, are you holding yourself back from dating because you feel like you have to jump in between the sheets? Are you not flirting with that hot girl across the bar or not accepting someone to buy you a drink because you have herpes and then you think that you have to sleep with them?

Define in you’re mind what feels right to you. Just because you have a history of waiting for 3 dates before you have sex or maybe it’s 3 months or whatever it was it doesn’t mean that it has to be going forward. Take herpes out of the equation and decide what you feel comfortable with. Maybe you're going to realize that you were just jumping into bed because you thought you needed to in order to feel sexy or accepted. Or maybe you're not going out at all because you’re petrified of the “talk”.

Don’t feel like there’s a set standard of what you have to do. Just because you’re roommate is one way doesn’t mean you have to be that way too. Just because society is telling you to have sex on the 3rd date it doesn’t mean that you have to have sex.

So let me throw the question back to you...does dating mean sex to you? Let me know in the comments.

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Xoxo,

Alexandra

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