A Remedy for New Year's Resolutions

Coping

New Year's Resolutions are all the rage. But when it comes down to it, how do we actually keep the resolutions we make? Listen to this New Year's episode where we offer a remedy to ensure successful resolutions. Enjoy!

Kevin: Happy New Year, everyone.

Kathy: Yes. Happy New Year.

Kevin: We're so excited to start this New Year 2023 and be here on this podcast with all of you listening in. It's the New Year and things are feeling fresh. We're thinking about all the things that are in store this next year in our family with this podcast.

Kathy: That's what the new year is about.

Kevin: Yeah, I know for a lot of people, it's about, um, looking back at what has happened and wanting to start anew or pick up things they didn't complete in the last year. And, of course, the dreaded New Year's resolutions if you are not a New Year's resolution fan.

Kevin: That's right. And that's exactly what our topic is about today. Talking about making, and perhaps more importantly, keeping those New Year's resolutions that we make year after year. So let's get started.

Kevin: So, for as long as I've known you, Kathy, you've always looked forward to the New Year. You look at it as something to look forward to, especially when times are tough. Why is that?

Kathy: Well, I think it's because it's just the natural turning over the new chapter of the year. And I think one of my favorite quotes is from Brad Paisley. He says, “tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one.”

Kevin: Yeah, that's so good. I actually hadn't heard this quote before you shared it with me when we're talking about this episode. I love it because I think it's so true that the New year is like a blank page. And so no wonder the New year feels both exciting and daunting. Think about early January, and the feeling is always excitement, thinking about all the possibilities of the New Year. I feel determined to make changes in my life, so I set these new resolutions. But then over time, I don't know, life happens.

Kathy: And I think that you're not alone. Statistics show that 81% of resolutions fail. Sometimes it's as high as 91%. And then by February, we know that most of the resolutions have petered out.

Kevin: Yeah. Why is that? Do you have any insights to why that happens, why so many people aren't able to keep to their New Year's resolutions?

Kathy: Yeah, I think that there are three things that we can think about. I've seen this anecdotally with students, and in my own life, there are three P's, and these are the easy way to remember. The first is painful patterns. And so what often happens is we get into ruts, and we do the same things over and over, and a lot of times incorrectly or dysfunctionally.

And if we don't identify what the pattern is as to why, we fill in the blank. Can't have a successful relationship, lose weight, get a job, whatever the case may be. That's over and over. Then we have to identify first the painful pattern. And if you aren't certain what that looks like, you could get help from a professional or a wise mentor, and you could just say, hey, what do you see in my life that's a pattern over and over. That's not it working for me?

And so that that's the first P, and then the second one is another reason why resolutions fail is partners. It is the lack of partnership that happens. So we know. And this is scientifically proven that if you are more likely to get help with a resolution, with a problem and issue, you will more likely to succeed. So the suggestion of course, is to partner with a friend. Let's say you want to start walking or exercising or even partner with someone that can help you, a coach or therapist, that would more likely help you.

And then the third P is the planning aspect. So we know that in the new year, everybody gets some people get a new planner, you wipe those calendars clean. We must plan. And failure to plan is failure to follow through with a resolution.

One of my favorite verses is Proverbs 16:3: “Commit your plans to the Lord and they will succeed.” A lot of people say, well, I've been praying and praying, praying, and I often say, oh well, what's your plan? And they say, oh, I hadn't thought about that. So painful patterns, partners and planning will go a long way towards being more successful with what you seek out in the new year.

Kevin: Wow. Yeah, that's really helpful and clear. I think for me, as I think about those three P's, planning is what I struggle with most. I feel like I have a clear idea of what my goal is and what I want to accomplish in the beginning of the new year. But then I don't really know exactly how to accomplish that goal or how to go about doing it exactly. The action steps, what do I do, how do I actually accomplish this goal?

Kathy: Sure. And having the accountability if you plan with someone also helps with that. Not just formulating, but the accountability to the plan. Right.

Kevin: Looking at these three, which do you feel like you struggle with most?

Kathy: So obviously I'm helping people plan and identify painful patterns. So the partnership would be it. As a helper too, on the enneagram. It's been challenging, I would say, to find partners that can actually help me in the work that I do. That's why I'm grateful for you. You're a great partner. But there are few and far between partners. Partners and partnerships.

Kevin: Yeah, I totally understand that it is hard.

Kathy: Yeah, absolutely.

Kevin: So what would you say is one tip for setting a successful New Year's resolution?

Kathy: Well, it would be let's do away with the resolution and let's instead move toward intention.

Kevin: So when you're working with a student, for example, you help them to set an intention for their year instead of a resolution. Sounds like an intention can be more lasting, but also more applicable in their lives. I know that one of the ways that we help people in our community set intentions is through choosing a word for the year that will help keep them focused throughout the year.

Kathy: Yes, definitely. And the intention is an umbrella that covers the entire year. And you can always keep going back to it. I've already done that in the first twelve days of this year. My word is support. And yesterday something happened and I immediately went to what would provide me more support.

Kevin: Yeah, it sounds like intentions are more lasting than like a resolution. Maybe more like a wish versus like a commitment. Yeah, I think you're right. I think that sometimes our greatest achievements take time. Time to identify what they are, but then time to implement and time to carry them out. It makes me think about one of our dear friends and community members, Mary, who set an intention two decades ago. And as we have learned, she has just achieved her goal. I want to share a clip with you, but also with our community conversation that I just had with her recently as she talked about this goal and how she went about accomplishing it. Let's listen now.

Kevin: Well, Mary, I'm so excited to speak with you today. Thank you for agreeing to come and talk with me a little bit.

Mary: My pleasure.

Kevin: So I'm excited to hear a little bit more about this goal that you set for yourself that you've just recently accomplished. Tell me a little bit about the goal and what gave you the idea of setting this goal?

Mary: I had taught school for almost 40 years and reached tired in June of four, and people would say, Are you going to travel? And I said, Do I have to go someplace? And it was like, what do I want to do? And what I had in mind was a calm, peaceful existence. When I thought about what would be really calm and I don't live a real exciting life, my house is pretty calm already.

But I was working and go, I have a lot of different interests, so I was going, going and doing things. So I said, Just being home with a good book, that's what I wanted to do. But then I don't even know if I was talking to anybody or just myself. But without any discussion, I said, I want to read 1000 books in my retirement. I was talking to a friend the other day and he said, I bet I've read over 1000 books. I said, I'm sure you had. Did you ever keep track of never thought to do that. Well, I did. So I had this little book, and so every book from the Sweet Thursday by John Steinbeck was the first. Every one of them had the author, the book, and the date.

Kevin: How long did it take you to accomplish this goal?

Mary: Well, I started reading June of as soon as I retired three. And then I have just read through the years and. My son was figuring it out. He said, Well, mom, you read about a book a week.

Kevin: What are some of the highlights of your experience with reading 1000 books?

Mary: I just started writing down, I started going through those lists, and I'm not finished at all. But like, foreign books or humor or celebrities, tons of autobiographies and biographies, historical, social, like trans kids, Boy Erased, In our hearts, We Were Giants. And then I made a list of my favorite authors because there are about 15 out of all of those are just so brilliant. And a couple of them, especially when I open their book, I get this I'm home feeling. It's kind of like being in a room full of desserts. You just go, what am I going to enjoy today?

Kevin: Wow. And so, last question. What advice do you have for our listeners who may be setting goals for this next year? What advice do you have for them about setting and keeping the goals that they make?

Mary: Well, don't buy a big exercise machine. It's only going to hold your clothes. Make them realistic. Make them something that you can see that it's attainable. Don't make it so hard for yourself. We have enough pressure on ourselves. We have to give ourselves some slack. Take good care of yourself mentally, socially, emotionally. So keep it simple. Two or three probably enough, but make meaningful attainable and hopefully pleasurable. But it's something you can look back on and say, yeah, you know.

Kevin: Well, we're so proud of you, Mary, and we love you so much, and we're celebrating you and looking forward to hearing more about your reflection on this amazing accomplishment.

Mary: Thank you, Kevin. I love you all too.

Kathy: Wow, that's awesome. I had heard about this, that she had accomplished this on Facebook. She had put it out, and we had actually seen that list a number of years ago when she was, I think, in the 3-400 or something. But it is so inspiring. And one of my favorite parts of what she said is this passion that she had for just being at home and doing this. It's really eye opening to show us that a small dream can turn into this amazing accomplishment.

Kevin: Yeah, I really loved her comments on the pressure that we feel and we put on ourselves. I had a much longer conversation with her than with the clip that I just shared. I'm actually thinking about doing a full episode of our conversation just because she shared so much other wisdom that I wasn't able to include in the clip. But I loved how she talked about the pressure that we feel in setting these New Year's resolutions because we want to make a goal to make others proud. And she talked about the importance of making a goal that we will make ourselves proud by the end of it. And the pressure that we feel because of others, and then we add the pressure that we put on ourselves and. It's just too much pressure. I thought that was so wise and sort something that I needed to hear this New Year.

So I'd like to end our episode today with one final P of the list of P words that will help us when we make these new resolutions. And that's permission. I'd like to give you all who are listening today permission to let go of the pressure you feel from others this year, to let go of the pressure you're putting on yourself this New Year. I'd like to also give you permission to be good to yourself, as Mary said, to practice good self care, to take good care of yourself this New Year, no matter how much permission I give.

The real power of permission is in giving permission to yourself. So I'd like to pause with you right now, wherever you may be. Take a moment of pause with me right now and answer this last question: what do you need to give yourself permission to do in 2023?

So what you may be coping with this new year, we extend many blessings to you. Happy New Year.