The dangers of polarisation in different life areas How are you showing up over the areas of your life? Does your business, job, career consistently get the best of you? If you end up over time giving all your energy, focus, attention, empathy and patience to your work environment then what comes home? Whilst listening to an episode of Esther Perel…

How to develop positive self-regard Potentially the greatest place of leverage in having an even better life is in improving your relationship with yourself. We live with ourselves twenty-four hours a day, so would it be a terrible idea to prioritise self-work that helps you further develop an overall sense of positive self-regard? You can improve …

Balancing the Individual self with the family unit One of the key aspects that we should be learning from our family as we grow is how to be a healthy individual and also how to be healthily part of a family unit. The ability to move between selfness and togetherness, in a way that doesn't compromise us is powerful. However when we feel that closen…

How can we spend more time being present for self and less in other people's business? One way to stay out of the anxiety of dealing with self is to spend all our time focusing on what others should be doing. If I am always fixated on how to help others then I get to avoid dealing with my issues. In Robin Norwood's excellent book Women Who Love To …

How presence & awareness creates healthy relationships There are a number of factors that would appear to boost the chances of having a relationship that continues to be healthy and successful over time. One such element is the degree to which you continue to be aware of your partner's emotional experience. The longer we stay together the more like…

Protecting your relationship by enhancing closeness There are so many distractions and responsibilities these days! One of the consequences is that, over time and often out of our awareness, we start to drift from our partner. Distance grows over time and connection can start to fade. This can mean that when inevitable challenges appear at our door…

How to have healthy, relationship affirming disagreements Sometimes we can get so focused on being right in an argument and snowing someone else with the undeniability of our rational position that we forget to be mindful of their experience. If you have ever had the experience of being intellectually trampled so to speak by someone in a conflict o…

How boundaries & accountability lead to opportunities When we are setting boundaries and limits around our own behaviour this actually leads to more opportunities and freedom in the long run. If we don't set limits around for example consumption of food and alcohol, great fun short term but over time will weaken us and impact health as well as ener…

Choosing our sacrifices wisely Part of going after a meaningful goal is the things I am willing to give up in order to prioritise my goal. In the course of my career, I have had the privilege to have taught and worked with many successful people who have had to make certain sacrifices to get where they want to go. The effort becomes part of the rew…

How understanding our judgments can create greater self-awareness What am I drawn to in others that grabs my attention in either positive or negative ways? Is what I am attracted to or repelled by in others actually an opportunity to acknowledge an aspect in myself. Through the process of growing up we may find that elements of our being have been …

Small focus changes to create big rewards This episode looks at some of the little focuses that successful people prioritise in pursuit of their goals. Life is challenging sometimes and staying on track can be a task all of its own. In this episode we look at a few touchpoints that if consistently engaged in can bring great reward. I hope you enjoy…

Parenting principles for children’s long-term success This episode draws on some of the work of Bowen Family systems author and therapist Roberta Gilbert. The episode looks at some of the navigating principles that we can employ to support in the roller coaster journey of seeing our children successfully through to adulthood. How do we prepare in a…

Embracing challenging topics for better relationship health If we are serious about having long term healthy relationships then we need to be able to have potentially challenging conversations. Even the most successful relationships are faced from time to time with anxiety, stress and temptation. Life has a way of sometimes making our best-laid pla…

Addressing the little things to make life easier Little successes achieved consistently over time can build themselves into something quite significant. It is important to recognise and celebrate the little wins along the way. If we have multiple goals over multiple areas of our life then we can draw on success in one area to motivate us in another…

The unforeseen consequences of emotional cutoff This episode focuses on an aspect of relating patterns known as Emotional Cutoff. When we choose or feel forced to cut someone out of our lives. There are times to go low or no contact of course, and with certain more low conscious types, it’s probably important. However, when we cut someone out of ou…

Taking accountability for our contributions to relational stress Continuing on with exploring how we do us in relating and in particular what is my contribution to us? Spotting one's own contribution particularly when relational anxiety is up, isn't always easy. We can become aware of how seemingly emotionally reactive our partner is whilst not bei…

Challenging automatic patterns of blame in relationships Generally, when you listen to couples going through relational challenges you can hear a fixation on their partner's present shortfalls or an over fixation on their own while their partner is faultless. We can overly blame other or overly blame self but any attempt to adjust in a relationship…

Giving to & approaching self in the way we do for others Ask me to be present for another person in their moment of perceived failure and I am there with love, compassion, support and nurture. I’m full of encouragement and able to see effectively where they have done better than they presently believe. However, in my moments of perceived failure, I…

How assuming your partner is a mind reader affects communication The idea that the more we love someone the more skilled at mind reading we become causes more problems than it solves! "You should know what I need if you really loved me!" This isn't helpful and in part stems from childhood where it was our parent's job to interpret our requirements.…

The impact of extreme relating polarities on our wellbeing One indicator that you may need to access the kind of relationship you are in is seemingly radical relating swings. The relationship brings you both the highest highs and lowest lows. How can someone treat me so well one moment and so horribly the next? When they are good and showering us w…

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Challenging automatic responses to create healthier relating When anxiety rises in the relationship, each person’s automatic anxiety management patterns start to get easier to see. One member of the relationship starts to go into fix-it mode and the other starts to shut down. Perhaps instead of talking to each other about the present points of fric…

Providing self-support when we have been taught the opposite There are many ways in which we can give ourselves away and not provide adequate self-support. We are human and compassion for self is required when exploring this area of life. What did I learn from my family system about choosing togetherness and the temporary approval of others at the …

Prioritising sharing with our partner to avoid threatening the relationship When we first get into a relationship the conversational exchanges can be highly invigorating, fascinating and rewarding! Over time, however, they can become less so, if we don't continue to make them a priority. We can benefit from meaningful exchanges with multiple others…

What we can do to avoid patterns of unhealthy relating There are a number of dysfunctional relating patterns that we can fall into over time in our romantic relationships. These patterns lower desire and build frustration and resentment. Some examples of adults falling into a parent to child style of relating are the Peter Pan and Wendy Syndrome an…

Conducting a time audit to improve your quality of life We spend so much time in our lives but rarely allocate space to specifically observe how we are using our time. Time is a non-renewable resource so how it is spent can become very significant and precious. However, it is easy to slip into habits, get lost on the internet or have time simply se…

How to self-regulate instead of trying to control others Depending on the type of family system we grew up in, one of the things we learned was that telling others what to do was the way to feel less anxious. When you behave and think as I want you to then I can feel ok. This episode looks at the belief that we can control the way others think, fee…

Learning self love & the difference between healthy & unhealthy care Growing up some of us learned that the way to seek love, validation and approval was to give, give, give. We may have even gotten really skilled at anticipating and meeting the needs of others before they themselves even became aware of what they needed. Over fixation on others ca…

Prioritising intimacy for emotional nourishment At first, it's as if we can't get enough of one another. Can't spend enough time together, can listen to our partner speak for hours, crave their touch and attention. However, the allure of our cherished one and their mutual fascination on us starts to drop away with the demands of life. If we aren't …

Managing emotional overreacting learnt from our families Families can be intense and sometimes overreact emotionally to certain situations that present themselves. When we grow up in emotionally intense families we can experience family members becoming highly anxious about our life choices. Emotional outbursts, uninvited advice-giving, ridicule an…

How family roles affect our personal & professional lives Our family system has its own way of dealing with issues of intimacy and anxiety. One of the ways in which we find our place in our family system is to take on roles. These roles have unhealthy and healthy expressions. They can serve to keep the family enmeshed and family anxiety suppressed.…

Standing up for self while remaining connected In family systems that are too enmeshed any stand one makes for self even if it is perfectly reasonable can trigger anxiety in the family system. One way in which you can be pushed back into the fold, so to speak, is to be guilted back into behaving like everyone else again. What do you mean you're not…

The importance of standards in supporting long term relationships I don't know about anyone else, but the fairy tales that I heard as a child tended to promise that after the initial barriers to love were beaten, it was happy ever after! I thought all you had to do was find your soul mate and the rest would be easy! The reality is somewhat differen…

Understanding the relationship between confidence and educated risk-taking When I'm feeling more confident then I will take on the world! Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to work as well that way. As a person who likes to find the easiest way out, no one is more disappointed than me about this. Genuine, informed confidence comes from engaging in the …

How to work with limitations for greater success I find it so interesting how many successful people have managed to turn adversity and their own self-limitations into something that works for them or that they can work around. We all have areas of life or aspects of our personalities that we see as not up to par. The relationship and strategies th…

How do we get in our own way of staying at the top? It is one thing to get to the top of your chosen profession and a whole other ball game to stay there. The majority of individuals who reach their chosen idea of success might make it, but very few actually sustain that level. This episode looks at some of the pitfalls that can get in the way of s…

The fundamentals of doing well in life With every idea of success, you can generally find individuals who have employed different strategies to get to the same place. The great thing about books and the internet is they provide us with so much information and so many ways to get where you want to go. The downside of having the internet and thousand…

How to make money talks a source of joy rather than pain Money issues are one of the largest points of friction for couples. This episode looks at some of the things that can be implemented to make money more a source of joy than pain in our relationships. Couples can clash over a number of factors around money but one, in particular, is around its…

Letting go of perfection to enjoy our achievements Sometimes the messages we received about success in our childhood feed into our drives as an adult. Am I succeeding for me or because it is what I believe others have wanted for me? Messages like "Be Perfect!", "Mistakes aren't tolerated!" and other such versions of these mean that we can be driven…

How low conscious individuals use vulnerability to their advantage A small aspect of the population who aren't bothered by guilt, shame and remorse in the ways that most of us are, seek relationships of self opportunity and exploitation. Many of these individuals thrive just below the line of detection and have worked hard to get their exploitation…

Navigating the transition of kids leaving home When it is time for the kids to leave home and we are faced with the empty nest there are a number of elements to consider. This episode is about addressing some of the areas that you may need to plan for ideally ahead of time. How does our identity and interaction with our child begin to move from jus…

The importance of giving our partners a chance to course-correct Have you ever experienced or know someone who has an abrupt end to a relationship you thought was going well? It may be because you had a couple of strikes against you but they weren't communicated. In a business apart from a clear set of dos, don'ts and performance expectations, ther…

Understanding the exploitation tactics of low conscience individuals There is a small percentage of the population that are not influenced as much as the rest of us by guilt, shame, anxiety, behaviourally appropriate boundaries, remorse and excessive empathy. Whilst they are small in number if you are unfortunate enough to find yourself entangled w…

Dealing with habitual boundary violators The irony is that the individuals that we deal with in our business and personal lives that we most need firm boundaries with are the people who are most likely to completely ignore our boundaries. The majority of the population respond well to boundary clarification and are willing to work towards better mo…

How to stay effective at work, and relaxed at play This episode looks at ways to help our brain assess states of effectiveness and high performance. How often are we attempting to focus on work and yet our mind is drifting off to thoughts of the weekend? On the flip side when the weekend finally arrives and it's time to relax we can't keep the offi…

Why keeping promises is vital for relationship health Sometimes we make vows or our partner does, to do better in the relationship going forward. Great sentiment but with no substance on exactly how that looks, time and time again we can be left feeling deflated as nothing actually changes! This leads to resentment which can be a relationship and p…

Effectively addressing the effects of childhood trauma If you grew up in an unhealthy family system of one form or another then you need to adapt and mould to try to survive your childhood. Some of those adaptations can end up being assets later however some get in the way of living a fulfilling and successful life as an adult. This episode looks a…

4 essential areas that keep a relationship on track Modern relationships are challenging and there are some many ways to get distracted and get off track as a couple. In this episode, I explore the exceptional framework of Dr Pat Allen, who is in my mind one of the most effective contributors to making modern relationships work. Dr Pat Allen identi…

Dealing with boundary violations in business relationships This particular expands on episode 117 by looking at boundary violations in the business setting. Depending on where you sit in the hierarchy of the business you are in will mean a potentially different approach to poor behaviour. The higher up you are the more power you have to demand what…

How to effectively & healthily approach boundary violations People shouldn't annoy me, treat me poorly or violate my boundaries! The reality is that from time to time people can and do. This episode is dedicated to looking at some of the ways in which we can approach this inevitable situation in the most effective and healthy way. How specifically …