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So it’s time to go home for Andy Pandy fangirl, Sarah Jane Smith. And there’s a hand pulling the strings in this show too, giving tupperware a bad name and Professor Watson a bad day at the power plant. Handily, crystalline cosmic crook Eldrad can reform herself from her moribund mitt and then she herself suffers from a wandering hand from her lead…
 
Welcome to The Fun Factory: trespassers will be self-prosecuted. The Valeyard (aka The Flaw Doctor) makes the most of a unique Time Lord feature and gives his own SJW predecessor a right legal leathering on Space Station SFX. But they still find time for trips to Camber Quicksands and Popplewick’s House of Exploding Quills, where the waiting room i…
 
You may think life can’t get much worse at the moment but locked-down Brexity Britain looks positively idyllic compared to Blighty under the rubber skirt of Dalek rule. This septic isle is overrun with motorised dustbins, headphone-wearing dullards who’ve really let themselves go and the most unrealistic pet since K9. The Doctor falls on his coccyx…
 
What could be more fun at Christmas than a Punch and Judy show? Almost anything, of course, but perhaps even puppety domestic violence is preferable to mental subservience to an ancient evil. This is the lot of tetchy Tegan, who’s red in tooth and eye again, but at least she gets to spread the hate with an embryonic Doc Martin this time around. Nys…
 
When is a talkative chair not a talkative chair? When it’s an alien shower curtain. Or a stumpy git in a pith helmet. But, underwhelming as they are, the Vardans still plan an Invasion of Time by conquering pound-shop Gallifrey – a land of medicinal jelly beans, powerful ping pong balls and walnut-chomping dropouts. Its denizens include Chancellor …
 
Scream if you want to leave faster! That seems to be Victoria’s tactic as she sobs, whimpers and shrieks her way out of the show in Fury From The Deep. Indeed, old Leather Lungs’ prodigious output is harnessed to harass some killer kelp and make its human puppets less weedy – even beating the expert man-mismanager John Robson for decibels in the pr…
 
A museum? On a planet, you say? Amazingly, that’s just where TARDIS brings Doctor Who and chums in The Space Museum. But the problems here are worse than an expensive gift shop, a blocked urinal or a coach party of feral school kids. For the planet Xeros is occupied by the moaning Morocks, a race only slightly less pathetic than the indigenous teen…
 
A bit of holiday advice from the Green Cathedral: better a staycation in Blighty than a sojourn on Uxarieus, a planet more miserable than Raymond Cusick at a Dalek memorabilia auction. But this monochrome blob of clay is surprisingly sought after, with hairy hippies and corporate breadheads alike fighting to the death over it. And perhaps the indig…
 
As travel restrictions relax, maybe it’s time to give Cully’s Adventures Unlimited a whirl? His ship’s a bit of a squeeze but the elderly Lothario can secretly sail you to the enticing Island of Death with its distinctive countryside, prestigious museum and friendly fellow tourists, The Dominators. Their Quarks are as cheesy as they sound – and the…
 
Many of you may still be locked up with your family but, with any luck, your house-mates don’t include a glowing alien skull, a gun-toting Teuton and a creepy occultist. Even Benylin Bandersnatch’s mum would be of little comfort, haunted as she is by a noisy, slimy creature (named Adam Colby). The TARDIS team come to the rescue but K9’s lost his vo…
 
Feeling trapped in your home with limited entertainment and an uncertain world outside? Well maybe you can sympathise with the residents of Paradise Towers – a horrible high-rise housing low-rent war machines, an apparently tin Hitler, omnivorous OAPs and TV’s most amateur and least dramatic junior AmDram group. The Doctor wants answers, Mel wants …
 
As our next episode (Paradise Towers) will be later than usual and as many of you will have more time than usual to kill, we’ve dredged up something from our past as a piece of additional Lockdown content. Back in March 2017, the Blue Box Podcast kindly invited us and others to contribute to their 250th episode. We weighed in with a 20 minute revie…
 
With all of us seeing rather too much of our immediate locales at the moment, what better time to come with us on a voyage through old Cathay? That said, our TARDIS team may have preferred to self-isolate from their travelling companions – a thieving Venetian and a Machiavellian Mongol. On this trip of a lifetime, our magic caravanners must face fr…
 
In need of a holiday in these trying times? Where better than Space Fawlty Towers on the nuke-shagged planet of Argolis? Answer: almost anywhere. For The Leisure Hive is a place where reptiles skin up, guests are dismembered and squash players lose their balls. Romana gets a new lab partner, the Doctor gets an old face and K9 regrets his attempt to…
 
So you want to continue your successful show but need to recast your leading man. What do you do? Why you make it as difficult as possible for your bemused audience to accept him, of course! The Power of the Daleks sees impish impostor Pat Troughton cackling evilly, talking about himself in the third person and doing his very best to disingratiate …
 
We start 2020 with an ending. Loathe him or hate him, Adric has been a big part (prat?) of 80s Who but all things must pass, however indigestible. Yes, this is Earthshock, which packed a couple of major bombshells back in the day (not counting Beryl Reid). It’s a tale of pointless deaths, some equally pointless characters and gender fluid troopers …
 
In our December episode, Jim and Martin ease themselves into Whuletide by settling down to watch The Black and White Guardian Show. It’s something of a festive feast, featuring as it does Rudolph the Two-Nosed Shadow, a space Trotter on hols from ver Big Smoke and some props which look suspiciously like they’ve come out of a Christmas cracker (alon…
 
“No, I shan’t… you shan’t take him!” Jenny Laird crashes out of the running for her own award in the arachnophobe’s nightmare that is Planet of the Spiders. It’s a tale of a tweedy traitor, yogic flying, mind-altering jewellery and more creepy crawlies than you can shake a rolled-up newspaper at. The Brig blushes, Sarah rushes (between two stories)…
 
"Mightiest of warriors, greatest in battle, humblest of your servants." Well they do say learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all, Achilles, but this is tendon towards arrogance. Yes, this month it's the swords and sandals epic, The Myth Makers, in which Steven gets a new outfit, Vicki gets a new name and the Doctor gets out of a breez…
 
"Then die. That is the purpose of guards." It seems that the life of a vampire's chief henchman is no better than that of an Alzarian milkmaid. No wonder he turned to drink. This is 1980's State of Decay, eliciting the cheesiest ever episode of this podcast from The Two Who Fool (About). In a land where rubber bats wheel in an unrealistic green sky…
 
"I've had enough of experts!" Now there's a phrase with a familiar ring. And Britannicus Base's self-imposed brain drain and dislike of the unlike is sending the UK into chaos. You couldn't make it up. But Brian Hayles did, in 1967's snowy saga The Ice Warriors - a tale of unripe tomatoes, dial-up food machines and a vibro-chair with a shake that b…
 
"If the rest of his presentation is as riveting as the first little epic, wake me when it’s finished." The Trial of a Time Lord goes all meta with one of the riskiest lines in Doctor Who history. The "first little epic" is The Mysterious Planet, in which the Doctor is on remand, Peri (from Marble Arch, USA) is in demand and Joan Sims commands her r…
 
"Nicholas only knows the most boring places." He's obviously not acquainted with the Doctor's wardrobe then, which contains... Who knows what? And there's plenty going on in the rest of 16th Century Paris, with a familiar-looking priestly weirdo, a companion's possible ancestor and man-hungry sectarian rats. The Doctor may or may not be in the hous…
 
“There should’ve been another way.” Yup. But when you only have a couple of days, £37.50 and a two-man human centipede, you will inevitably end up with 1984’s Warriors of the Deep. But the Doctor still manages to trade his cricket beiges for a daring new beige outfit and some temporal footwear, though Turlough misses out on an early airing of his b…
 
“My legs! My legs!” Zero out of a million on the tact front from Ian, crowing about his pins when surrounded by legless Daleks. Actually, they haven’t touched a drop but they have experimented with some freaky hallucinogens from their peacenik neighbours. So this is the TARDIS foursome’s first awayday – The Daleks – and where better to visit than a…
 
"Weirdos!" It’s not often that a Doctor Who story reviews Jim and Martin but this is the topsy-turvy world of The Greatest Show in the Galaxy. It’s all a bit of a circus as the Ringmaster puts the 'c' into 'rap', a foxy artiste blames it on the moonlight and the Chief Clown grins all the way to the emergency dentist. Ace is victim to some violent c…
 
“I’ve lost my sonic screwdriver. I feel completely lost without it.” Lost? Modern Doctors would need resuscitating. Yes, it’s back to basics with The Sontaran Experiment, wherein hairy rock dwellers set traps, chuck rocks and threaten people with hot sticks. Undeterred, Sarah channels Margo Leadbetter, Harry tries out some mucus-based medicine and …
 
“He says he’s a frog doctor, sir.” Let’s have some fanfic where the Troughton and Whittaker Doctors combine forces to heal a lonely amphibian universe. Actually… let’s not. No, this is The Highlanders, where you could be excused for thinking the Doctor’s bizarre accent was French and that his hat was a Goth’s traffic bollard. It’s a second outing f…
 
Merry Christmas! And let's hope it stays merry after listening to Jim and Martin discussing the Series 11 episodes not yet covered in the Krynoid PodCast, and then the series as a whole. We play out with John Gonzalez's Christmas-tinged rendition of the Doctor Who theme (find it on YouTube https://youtu.be/6KVhSNS_xU8) Hearty thanks from the Green …
 
“There’s your monster maker… Caught in the act.” And lo… Barry Letts did advance upon him, spitting tacks and brandishing a rubber T-Rex, with insertion on his mind. Yes, this is yer actual Invasion of the Dinosaurs – a tale of double talk, double-crosses and double denim. The Doctor drives stuff, Sarah discovers stuff and Yates says “Stuff you!” t…
 
"I'm bored." Well, if you can't stand the ennui, get out of the kitchen. Yes, we're in the strange and underfunded world of The Celestial Toymaker where the fun barely starts. The Doctor single-handedly plays the world's worst spectator sport, while Steven and Dodo are forced to tackle 'sighted-man's buff', 'spot the comfy chair' and 'hunt the dram…
 
“Boing! Boing!” The unmistakable sound of the bells of Seville (and nothing to do with Peri running down a hillside). So the JN-T holiday charabanc ends up in Spain in 1985 and his latest jaunt promises country yomps, moth collecting and acid sports, with dinner thrown in – several times over. The Two Doctors manage to keep out of each other’s way …
 
“Now go on. Ben can catch his ship and become an Admiral and you, Polly, you can look after Ben.” The Doctor reminds Ben and Polly they’re back in 1966 – a time (and indeed date) menaced by War Machines, alien shape-shifters, Daleks and gender stereotyping. They also have to contend with dodgy pilots, aliens with zero personality, lethal haberdashe…
 
"Is that finger loaded?" A good question because nothing is as it seems in Devesham-on-Oseidon. The horse-brasses are plastic, the dartboard has a functional bullseye and the ginger beer may not be The Real Thing (but its supply is inexhaustible). Then there's Guy Crayford, who has a spacesuit of vacuum-resistant denim, incomplete underpants and an…
 
"You've got some of it on your hands and you didn't tell us anything about it. It was very wrong of you, wasn't it?" The Doctor makes Barbara feel small with a little ticking off. Fair enough though - she had almost died from the stiffest of upper lips (and a dangerously unbathed ankle). Eco-whistleblower Arnold Farrow fares even worse with a slug …
 
"What is this horrendous place?" Well, Nyssa, it's Terminus - a place to which Bor was presumably drawn by nominative determinism. It's a drab old hospital where the porters are metal, the doctors are Goths and the burglars are New Romantics. The Doctor wins a fight, Nyssa loses her skirt and Tegan draws the short straw, what with Turlough staring …
 
"No complications." That infamous moment when the first Ogron on the left accidentally reveals his MENSA potential to his masters but no-one bats a shiny eyelid. Yes, this is Day of the Daleks in which our intrepid TARDIS twosome wine, dine and enjoy a ride, while Yates pulls rank, Benton pulls out of a minor skirmish and the Brig pulls his hair ou…
 
"The Doctor's almost as clever as I am." Zoe Heriot may be the Krotons' pet but she must have been expelled from modesty school. Yes, this is The Krotons, a saga of sub-standard scientists, snaky CCTV spies and shouty fridges from another world. The Doctor flunks, Jamie fights and Zoe infuriates while the Gonds lack the gonads to take on their recl…
 
"Never trust a man with dirty fingernails." ...Or a face like a Shar Pei's nether regions. Especially if he exacerbates London's rodent problem, takes advantage of young scrubbers and test-drives prototype orgasmatrons. Yes, this is The Talons of Weng-Chiang - a strange (Robert) Holmesian melodrama where people pop poison pills, ventriloquist dummi…
 
"I hate conducted tours." Dodo single-handedly sows the seeds of the Doctor Who Experience's eventual demise, way back in 1966. This month we find ourselves in a land where greedy leaders feather their own nests at the expense of the downtrodden underclass. And it's much the same in Doctor Who's The Savages, screened some 52 years ago (badum tish!)…
 
"Let's make this baby fly!" Said the uncool and un-Welsh Welsh rock 'n' roller Billy, who refrains (perhaps disappointingly) from drop-kicking the Chimeron child over the Shangri-La camp's Olympic size swimming pool. Yes, it's time to take a look at the distinctly odd Delta and the Bannermen, a tale of a baffling bee-keeper, unnecessary Americans, …
 
"You have returned to us, Doctor. Your travels are over." But thankfully not forever. It was, indeed, a long way from being all over. So Jim and Martin stagger to their century milestone with their biggest story yet, The War Games. It's an epic tale of trials, tribulations, heavily corrected (and impaired) vision, and a Very. Stupid. Voice. The Doc…
 
"A delightfully unexpected afternoon." Well it won't take up much of your afternoon and there's very little that's unexpected here. For this is Black Orchid - a ripping yarn of bronchial brothers, lippy bookworms, smutty absentees and a child bride who's passed around like a gold ball at a Telosian rugby match. The Doctor plays the clown, Tegan cut…
 
"I don't work for anybody. I'm just having fun." Not so much fun for the cold turkeys, the cattle-prodded Mandrels and the eviscerated punters on the good ship Empress though. Yes, this is Nightmare of Eden and 'nightmare' could be seen as an apposite epithet by the crew and viewer alike. It's a heady cocktail of spiked drinks, unfortunate zips and…
 
"I am usually referred to as the Master." Or some very slight variation thereof. Terror of the Autons is a story where a bloomin' cockernee is masquerading as an Italian, a Time Lord as an astral Mr Benn, Autons as an army of Frank Sidebottoms, and the man himself as BT's most sackable employee. Yet the Master can't muster the energy to think up an…
 
"I'm not a mountain goat and I prefer walking to any day. And I hate climbing." If you think Steven Moffat era Doctor Who taxes the mind, imagine being part of the 1965 audience and having to decode anagrams of the scripted lines on the fly. And the mind is boggled in many other ways by The Time Meddler. How can an 11th Century monk have a wristwat…
 
"It's getting rather exciting, isn't it?" Well mileage may vary and opinions certainly differ a wee bit between your intrepid hosts on this one. For it is The Stones of Blood, a tale of vampiric slabs, a reclusive mistress-villain with a morbid fear of lemon sherbets and the latest mismatched cop duo - Android and Wirrn. The Doctor wears a barriste…
 
"I am the Doctor... whether you like it or not." Ahem... awkward! Yes, this is Colin Baker's debut debacle as the Doctor, The Twin Dilemma. A tale of a Hurndall understudy in a dress, two bratty bowl-cut brain-boxes, pestilent parrot people and a hairy slug with an inter-species libido. And, at its centre, we have our 'hero' who tries to bluster, c…
 
"No-one on the Colony believes in Macra! There is no such thing as Macra! Macra do not exist! There are no Macra!!" Well maybe stop going on about them so much then? He's right though. This colony is lovely - except for the brainwashing, harrowing jingles, cheerless cheerleading, occupational hazards and the ministrations of hit security group, Ola…
 
"You're liable to wake up Old Nick going that deep!" And imagine old Nick's horror when he woke up after a BBC stag do and found that someone had given him a comedy eye-patch and a joke shop scar. But it's not just the Brig who's had an unsympathetic makeover in Inferno's alt-right universe. Cuddly Sergeant Benton is now brutal bastard Benton and l…
 
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